2013: A Year-End Review

Facebook has this interesting new feature that allows one to view the past year in retrospect.

2013. It was - apparently - a year marked with deep sorrow and deep joy.

I was called to InterVarsity in snowy St. Louis in January.
I was accepted as a provisional employee by April.
I graduated university in May.
I was trained and equipped to be an InterVarsity staff worker in Madison, Wisconsin in June and July.
I moved into a house in Tucker, GA without a ton of financial security in August.
I struggled, worked, and pressed through difficulty with Morgan as we fundraised all through late Summer and early Fall.
I was officially hired in November - God provided for my needs.
I took my first step onto Georgia Tech campus as a full time staff worker in December.

And now I am here. Looking through the memories, the pictures, the journey entries, and the conversations that have made up the fabric of my life this past year. It has been a crazy, amazing, painful, wonderful year. So much change. So much difficulty. So much growth. So much laughter. I am incredibly blessed, and I am incredibly thankful at this amazing journey that I have had the opportunity to take part in.

Isn't it strange how just 365 days can alter one's perspective and life circumstances beyond recognition?

I think back to the girl I was this time last year. I was so scared... so frightened of the life that was ahead of me. A couple of close relationships I had in my life were teetering on the edge of brokenness, and my desperate attempts to fix them kept me from connecting and engaging in the community around me. I felt lost and disconnected from others. I was basing so many of my life decisions on how it would work with the decisions of others and for the first time in my life I completely lost touch with the person that I truly am. The 'Emmie' that God fashioned me to be felt distant. The person I saw when I looked in the mirror disappointed me - I felt weak. Isolated. Unmotivated. Lost.

I don't see a perfect woman in the mirror now. I still have moments of weakness, isolation, laziness, and loss - but I am stronger. Separation from certain relationships have brought me real freedom. Struggles and hardships have begun to refine my character. God's call on my life has given me new purpose. And one of the most welcome realities of all, enjoying a deepening relationship with God has not only brought me back to my true self, but it has helped me love and adore my true self. The self that reflects the Creator.

I write all of this hastily because these are thoughts that have been swimming in my head and heart as I thank God for this strange and mysterious life. It is true that we will have hardship, and we will suffer in this life - but Jesus gives us strength and somehow manages to work things our for our good. Only he could take the dark, twisted agony of sin and fashion it into something beautiful. I am thankful for 2013 - the hardest year of my life so far. I am thankful for the woman it has made me into. And I am looking forward to what 2014 has to offer - what will another 365 days accomplish in my life and in my calling? What adventures will I go on? What places will I see? What lives will be transformed?

I don't know. But I am ready for it.

Urbana Missions Conference were I was called to InterVarsity.
December/January 2013

Spying out the land at Georgia Tech.
April 2013

Morgan sharing the IV@GT vision with a neighbor.
May 2013

InterVarsity Orientation for New Staff in Madison, WI.
June/July 2013

My best friend's wedding!
October 2013

New staff at Regional Staff Conference.
November 2013

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and have enjoyed some time of self-reflection on the past year. I pray you will face the new year with anticipation and joy and above all... hope.

InterVarsity Southeast Regional Conference

Friends, I write to you from InterVarsity Regional Staff Conference. Annually, staff and volunteers and administration from across several states in the InterVarsity Southeast Region gather together to celebrate what God has done in the SE Region and to train and dream together about what God is going to still do. I am currently on day two of the conference, and my heart is swelling to the brink with thankfulness toward God. I mean I am overwhelmed with newness and curiosity and awe at how God has been working in staff worker's lives outside of the state of Georgia.

Will you pray for students in the Southeast Region?

I am also amazed how God has appeared to move in one gigantic sweep among the hearts and minds of not just our region, but our nation. This - TODAY - is an exciting time in the history of collegiate ministry. We are seeing more growth and more decisions to follow Jesus in the most recent 5-8 years than we have seen in several decades. God is on the move connecting us to unreached campuses, providing staff, students, and volunteers to plant new things there, and inviting students and faculty to make decisions to follow and move toward Jesus. Just in our area (Georgia) alone, we dream of seeing the amount of student chapters double in the next 5-10 years. That is just one step in our overall vision of wanting to see every corner of every campus reached. We may have impacted several thousands of students in our history here in Georgia, and we thank God - but we want to see more. We want to see more students cross from death to everlasting life. We want to see every corner of campus renewed - the systems and places of injustice addressed, the places of brokenness and darkness covered in light. We desperately hope to disciple students to go out and reach other students, share the Gospel on other campuses, and eventually plant thriving student-led ministries on unreached campuses in our state. There is so much that God is doing, and he is moving in our hearts and minds and turning our dreams toward that.

One of our vision phrases for our region is "There's Something More..." I think those words describe exactly what the conference has meant for me so far, God is speaking to me in abundance - he is telling me there is something more. He desires something more for Georgia - he wants wholeness, reconciliation, freedom, and he wants every student and faculty person to know his love for them and his desire for a relationship. That is what this has all meant - he keeps whispering new dreams into my heart, new hopes and new burdens for the students and faculty I am just now starting to work and live alongside at Georgia Tech. He is telling me that he wants something more for them... He wants to give them life in place of death, and a seat at his table - and he is asking me to hand out the invitations.

This was hastily written, I'll admit. And I was supposed to be in a retreat of silence while I gathered this words - but they are from deep within me. Friends... I am excited by what God is up to in InterVarsity and college student's lives. And I am thrilled he has invited me to be a part of it. And I am thankful you have partnered with me in so many ways - through prayer, encouragement, financial support. And I can't wait to see what God is going to do at Georgia Tech and in the world... Because it's clear, there is something more.

Thoughts on Broken Dreams and New Hope

It's interesting how a seemingly menial task can invoke a flood of memories one would much rather forget. I mean really? I am just steaming cabbage. Next thing I know hot tears fall from my eyes and evaporate, becoming lost in the vapor rising to the ceiling.

It's not that cabbage makes me cry. It is more like what that cabbage could have meant. Perhaps a cool evening spent cooking and eating steamed cabbage, laughing in the fortunes of love and family - that seemingly menial cabbage serving as a bridge between two worlds and two lives that fate brought together.

I know you're thinking it's crazy that I become so metaphoric and emotional while steaming cabbage. Maybe what I am trying to say is that for one moment, loss ached inside of me like a empty void. It reminded me that I would never eat cabbage with that person again. It reminded me that sometimes people leave. Sometimes dreams and hopes don't come to pass. Sometimes there isn't a happy ending. Sometimes we must suffer.

When I am alone, I sometimes gaze out into apparent nothingness and I wonder. What if things went differently? What if I tried harder? What if I said something... anything? 'What if' are some of the two most dangerous words I know. Those six letters can wreak so much havoc... damage so much... As someone wise once said, "It does not do well to dwell on dreams and forget to live."

I now wonder if maybe that is my problem. I am past the 70% mark in my funding. I mean eight months of fear and faith and difficulty brought me to a point I never believed I could reach - I am on campus. I am not able to spend all my time there yet, but I have made it to a milestone that seemed inconceivable. God has provided so much, he has carried me through so much, he has opened my heart to receive all the joy and celebration and adventure that following him promises, but I have felt so... well, I guess I have been crying over steamed cabbage.

You see, the world has opened up before me. Freedom awaits. It calls my name. It beckons me forth - tantalizing my senses with shivers of hope. Yet my feet refuse to move. I picture myself running full force, hair whipping in the wind and eyes wide as I step into this land that God himself has promised me, but I stand still. The dreams... the hopes... the memories of the past grip onto me.

Then 'what if' finds me again.

What if God invites us to follow him out of places we didn't want to leave?

Out of relationships?
Out of jobs?
Out of our hometowns?
Out of our comfort zones?

Will we stand still... clinging onto what we lost, what we loved, what we wanted? Will we put our hand to the plow, yet look back longingly over our shoulder to what we used to have or be? I think I have been mourning the lost promises of the past a little too long.

But this time... this time I am wiping away the tears. I am pulling myself off the ground. I am looking ahead at that horizon - gold, orange, pink all fading into one spectacular moment of light - and I am going to go. With everything I have... with all my fervor and passion and skill. I will replace the empty void of lost dreams with promises of hope. I will strap on crowns of beauty for ashes. I will come and see all that Jesus has to offer, and I will take on his dream for my life. I will leave this place, Lord. I will follow you where ever you lead. And I will rejoice.

On God's Remarkable Provision

Morgan and I made some big plans and big dreams when we were at InterVarsity's Orientation for New Staff. (ONS) Many of them revolved around building a team of partners that could support the ministry God had called us to financially and prayerfully. This has scared us for many months now because doing this ministry of inviting partners to support God's work is really stretching - it's full of risks and faith. There have been so many points during this journey where I have honestly asked myself if I still want to do this because my fear has been bigger than my faith sometimes.

I love Jesus. He shakes his head softly and whispers, "Oh, my little faint-hearted one."

While at ONS, we sang a song called "Our God is Awesome."

Morgan and I told each other that when God provided for us, we would take a bottle of champagne, pop it open and spin it around the room while singing "Our God is Awesome." Particularly the part where all the voices join together and sing aloud: "If you know he's been good to you, sing: Provider! Provider! Provider!" This was the precious promise we made each other - we believed that one day, whether soon or far off, we would praise God in our joy that we will finally begin the work that he has called us to on campus.

It has seemed pretty hopeless this past month. I had hit a lull in my partnership development and was hovering around 25% for about a month. I have been pitying myself for a while, afraid to move forward and do the work needed to accomplish the goal set before me, and my prayers have gotten pretty desperate. Does God provide even when we don't deserve it? Does God make a way even in the driest of deserts? Does God give good gifts to his children even when they fail?

Yes, he does.

It is in great joy and celebration and thankfulness that I can say that in a span of 48 hours he has increased his provision from 25% to 60% of my funding. The gap separating me from planting a new chapter at Georgia Tech just got significantly smaller. The end of the journey is drawing nearer each day.

After finding this out, Morgan and I got into her car and went to get lunch. She looked over at me and said, "Maybe the Lord wants to speak to us through some Gospel music?" I laughed and turned the dial. We both stared at each other in disbelief as the words from the song "Our God is Awesome" began floating through the car.

Tears of joy and laughter streamed down our faces. My heart was full to bursting.

 My hands couldn't help but raise toward the heavens as we shouted: "If you know he's been good to you, sing: "Provider! Provider! Provider!"

Falling in Love

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful,  I know that full well."
Psalm 139:14

In one beautiful moment, I crossed the mind of God.

He imagined me - my tangly brown hair, my tiny eyebrows, my green eyes, my full lips, my chipped tooth.

And He saw me - He saw Harry Potter in my hand, Jane Austen on the table, Lord of the Rings on the television. He saw purple and orange and yellow and everything bright splashed all over the walls. He saw yarn and fabric and glue and glitter and thread littered over the floor. He saw flour all over the cabinets and dishes in the sink because the mess has always been part of the fun. He saw a cup of hot coffee, penguin slippers, and the old blankie I still can't sleep without.

And He heard me... how my voice becomes louder the more excited I get, and how I yell when I feel unheard. He listened to every tear I cried and every laugh that rang out of my mouth even when it was unnecessary. He heard me try, and fail, and try again, to speak in a dozen different languages. He heard me sing, even when I did so horribly….  in the car, in the shower, in the backyard, in my room... basically everywhere I went. He heard all of views and opinions and crazy ideas - all the things I believed in with my whole heart.

And He felt me - my passion that threatens to implode my being if I don't release it occasionally. He felt the emotions that reach so deep within me… all the things I have felt for the noblest reasons and even for no reason at all. He felt my yearning and my longing for adventure - my desire to have my life matter. He felt my dreams, He sensed my hope to touch every corner of the world… to try every food… to always dance when invited to... to meet no stranger. He felt the love I have for creation, the way the air and the sea and the trees and the mountains breathe life into me. He felt me light up when I enter a new culture or explore a place I've never been. He felt my want to know and be loved by people, and to know and to love people.

And He loved me.

For one beautiful moment, I crossed the mind of God. And He saw, heard, and felt every childish, precious, ridiculous, crazy, wonderful thing about me. And He thought: You know what? I think I am going to make her. I think the earth could use a little bit of Emmie.

Smiling, He fashioned me into this very likeness.

And He didn't change a thing.

I Want This Place

Maybe it is time I was a little more honest:

My ministry partner, Morgan, and I recently drove to Georgia Tech for a meeting. Because we have been in the process of raising a support network that can partner with us to provide the financial and prayerful needs to begin this ministry, we have been unable to spend much time on campus this summer. It was the first time Morgan and I had been there in months, and as we drove past the campus buildings, I couldn't help but feel my heart shatter into a million pieces.

I want this place.

Almost a year ago, when our supervisor Nick has sat Morgan and I down during our application process to discuss strategic possibilities for our first steps as staff, he mentioned planting a multi-ethnic ministry at Georgia Tech as a viable option. I remember feeling my heart catch - I didn't want to let it on, but I was the idea of going to Georgia Tech was absurd to me. I had so many fears… my mind raced: "I mean these students are geniuses! Surely with their intelligence they could see right through me… It might be hard to reach out to a bunch of engineers, I mean I don't know the first thing about engineering! How could I share the Gospel to an engineer?" So many fears and prejudices and incorrect assumptions plagued me. It felt like it would be easier to go to a much smaller and much less affluent institution… maybe that would be a better option for my first year on staff.

It is truly amazing how God can completely overwhelm your sense of comfort and even your sense of desire. For many months, I wrestled with the realization that I really wanted to be an InterVarsity staff worker, but I wasn't necessarily wanting to do that staff work at Georgia Tech… so much has changed in that time. I have walked the streets of this campus, chatted with students, ate lunch in the cafeterias, marveled at the building names - and I have completely fallen in love. It almost feels like a romance novel, the one that I resented and pushed away for so long ended up being the exact one I needed all along.

I want this place.

I want the students - I want them to know about Jesus, and I want to be the one to tell them. I want them to find a true and lasting purpose for their degrees, careers, and skills, and I want them to go on and change the world! I want to see new life brought to campus, and I want to labor with Jesus in the broken areas. I want to send students to build witnessing communities that reach out to other communities… I want my students to come over to my place for movie nights, I want to drive them to get groceries before large group meetings, I want to watch them take risks, I want to see them take important steps in their faith, I want to bring them to Urbana, and I want to see them become leaders that follow Jesus for their whole lives…

I dream of this. It's all I can think about. It's what I want to dedicate my life to. It was through the InterVarsity movement that I began to follow Jesus, and it was through his sovereign mystery that he continued to beckon me onward - straight into the place where my deep passion and the world's deep hunger meet - and that place is Georgia Tech.

I want this place.

But I can't be there yet. This is where my heart breaks - the students are moving in. Classes begin Monday. And we are still preparing to begin the work. I want to be there so badly… I wanted to be that exceptional case that managed to raise everything needed (and then some) so quickly that we would still have time leftover to plan some amazing New Student Outreach events. However, our ministry partnership development journeys have been different - and it is taking longer than we hoped for. Jesus remains sovereign, and we continue to trust him and have faith from him and learn how to take risks from him. It hasn't been easy, and so much work is before us… but we will praise God in plenty and in emptiness. And he will provide.

I cannot thank God enough for his mysterious manner of working in my life. And I cannot even begin to fathom all of the incredible things he is doing and is going to do at Georgia Tech in the next years - if there wasn't a harvest to be had at Georgia Tech, we wouldn't be here. Friends, join in with us in reaping the harvest to be had at Georgia Tech - I invite you dream alongside us. I want you to want this place  - I hope you will envision this campus reflecting the Kingdom of God! Over 20000 students and 900 faculty live and breathe and work on this campus, and that is 21900 souls that are fashioned in the likeness of God, deeply loved and uniquely designed to be intelligent, entrepreneurs, explorers of truth and inventors of efficiency  - just imagine the impact they could have on the world!

Georgia Tech, the students, faculty, and the entire campus belong to God - every inch.

He wants this place.

Light Slowly Breaking Through Clouds

I love reading the Psalms. They are so authentic - so true to the human experience. They are songs and poems and letters carving out human frustrations, fears, sorrows, guilt, laments, anger, jealousy and also hope, faith, joy, victory, exuberance. They encompass the cries of the soul, and by reading these words - I then have the confidence to express my sentiments in their genuine form before the Living God.

And I love reading about Jesus. He is so authentic - he has truly lived the human experience. He understands loneliness, rejection, heartache, tiredness, overwhelmedness and pain and he has also known unconditional love, laughter, peace, friendship, and triumph. It is because of Jesus - my brother and Lord - that I am given access to the freedom of being my real self with God the Father.

This has been the most difficult season of my life. The past three-four months have stretched me, challenged me, hurt me, enraged me, and have caused resounding fear - a fear and a sense of anxiety that I cannot shake. I have cried myself to sleep because so many mountains seem too impossible to climb, so many words seem to cut too deep heal, so many realities of my own weaknesses seem to oppressive to overcome. It has been incredibly difficult, and many times it has felt hopeless - if you have read any of my past entries, hopelessness is a common theme.

I feel like I am in the middle of Psalm - something that might go like "my tears are my food" and "nightly I cry out to You in my anguish."

All this suffering has me wondering who God really is. It has me questioning where He is in this pain. I wonder if He will save me - if He can provide - I wonder if He can overcome my weakness and make a way to freedom even though the chains are so tightly wrapped around my arms and neck. I sometimes go from wondering if He can do these things to if He will do them… or even wants to do them. This road of suffering is also a road leading straight to the heart of God - everyday my emotional and spiritual turmoil has me on my knees, begging God to reveal Himself. I want to comprehend You, God - I want to really know You. It's really the most authentic and honest I have ever been before God, and it is beautiful.

And all this suffering also has me wondering who I am. The emptiness and hollowness that this pain and fear has caused has allowed for more space - more space for God to enter in and awaken the woman that has remained hidden for so many years. He has been calling me forth, asking me to feel what I am really feeling and to be vulnerable before Him. Truly this Immanuel, this God with me,  has invited me to accept, to love, and to cherish the woman He designed in love even before I was conceived. I am discovering my strength, my resilience, my creativity, and my desire to live adventurously as each hardship breaks down another piece of the facade-of-self I have so desperately clung to. Suffering is restoring to me the joy of my true self. And even though it is painful, it is also beautiful.

And each day as I traverse this Psalm of lament and suffering, another line breaks through: "How precious is Your steadfast love, O God!" "I will bless the Lord at all times, His praise shall continually be in my mouth."

"You have turned my mourning into dancing!"

ONS 2013 // Healing Pt. 2

How many of us harbor pain deep within us? How often have words - even those left unspoken - etched away at our inward beings? How often have the sounds of heavy chains clinking away at our sides clouded our ability to hear? Or hot tears caused by rejection, confusion, loneliness clouded our ability to see?

How many of us long for the everlasting satisfaction of the Good Father, yet are too ashamed to believe it could ever belong to us?

~

InterVarsity's Orientation for New Staff (ONS) was the place where after years of running, God caught up with me. I finally realized that there was no where I could run, no where I could hide that the grace and love and peace of my Father could not find me. Sometimes it comes in unexpected places.

One of the most incredible and healing parts of my ONS experience came through my family group. After receiving prayer ministry during the second night, I returned to my family group still clenching the tissues saturated with my tears. Though it was difficult to express what I had been feeling over the years to a group of complete strangers, I could no longer hold the baggage that had been weighing me down - I needed someone else to help me carry the load. I can never express the healing that comes when others cry with you - when others are not afraid to feel your pain. As they held me and prayed over me, I felt Jesus speak to my heart: "This is the kind of love I have for you."

My ONS 2013 Family Group - pray for their ministry!

To my family group - I cannot thank God enough for the prayers and tears you brought before God on my behalf. Through your love and acceptance, I have tasted the goodness of God.

A vision of renewal: 

During my time at ONS, a prayer minister saw a vision of me standing before a white, blank wall. She said that evil was telling me that the wall was empty - that nothing would ever fill its spaces. In my mind, I envisioned the wall reaching from one end of the room to the other… all things had been removed from it - my relationship, my financial security, and even my belief that God was a good father.

Then she asked Jesus to reveal to me what he had to say about the wall. As I searched the room from some sign of him, some whisper of his voice - and as I did, I saw the wall transform. The wall was white no longer - it was sprayed with vivid, bright colors creating a carefully crafted, stunning mosaic of abstract design - it was all together beautiful.

I smiled as I whispered: "I don't know what Jesus has to say, but I do know that one day the wall will be filled with color. There will be no white space left."

Amen.

My friends, Christ has started in me a new thing. I am in a place of transition, change, and difficulty because God is asking me to believe in him - to believe he can provide, to believe he is good, to believe he has more for me. He began this work at ONS 2013 because if I do not believe these things to be true of God, then how can I tell students about his love for them? It is through these experiences that God continues to equip and grow us - sometimes it doesn't come in the form of practical information or training - sometimes it comes through prayer and true friendship.

Sometimes that empty wall that is suffocating us is only a new beginning - a new canvas for God to create a masterpiece that we could never imagine on our own. Sometimes we need to be stripped in order to know that what God has for us is truly more than anything we could achieve for ourselves. And sometimes, all that Jesus really wants... is to wrap us in his arms as he whispers words of love and adoration. Sometimes our cup really does overflow.

ONS 2013 // Healing Pt. 1

ONS Class 2013 // 130+ new staff equipped for campus ministry!

For those of you that managed to escape my media bombardment of photos and stories from my recent adventures, let me tell you with joy that I have been in Madison, Wisconsin for a 10-day training for InterVarsity's Orientation for New Staff (ONS).  Many InterVarsity staff workers before me have explained with reminiscent smiles that ONS is one of the most fun, challenging, and empowering events they have been through. You can imagine with all of that build up, I have been looking forward to ONS since the day I found out of I was called to InterVarsity - and friends, praise God for his faithfulness, for it has not let me down!

An unexpected gift: 

I could spend the next paragraphs detailing all the incredible ways ONS has trained me and equipped me to do ministry on college campuses. I could joyously expound on the stories of new IV staff going out into the city, sharing the Gospel, and seeing 31 new souls come to faith through this experience. I could vividly recount all the ways that God helped me imagine all the incredible work he could at Georgia Tech this upcoming fall - but for right now at least I am going to take a different direction. 

Tonight, I am just going to humbly whisper to you all that during ONS 2013, God began to heal me. This is something I did not anticipate or even desire to happen during my time in Wisconsin because I believed God had more important things to do in me. It seems that despite all of the good training, manuscript Bible studies, and worship, God wanted to do something far more simple and foundational - he wanted to tell me he loved me. He wanted to place his hand over the gaping holes in my spirit and let his touch heal even my most broken places. 

For years I have been a running woman. I have been running from everything - from others, from myself, and from God. I didn't really know why I have been running, why I have been afraid of the silence - afraid of the truth - afraid to be left alone... I just knew if I kept focusing my efforts on doing good works and putting on a good show, then I wouldn't have to feel the pain that had lodged itself deep into my chest. A pain from years of harsh words thrown my way - a wound festering from people I loved telling me I wasn't good enough. It was so real that I thought love was something I had to work for, something I had to measure up to - and yet my whole life, I have been failing to achieve it. This reality was only confirmed for me when my relationship of 2 1/2 years ended. It was just more proof that I wasn't worth loving... I was just too messed up... I wasn't trying hard enough. I confess this to you because for the past three years I have been constantly running to keep myself from feeling that pain. 

Apparently ONS was the place in my life when my spiritual feet completely gave out and with arms raised in surrender I finally confessed to everyone: "I just can't run anymore." 

Maybe it was that Wisconsin water, but something inside of me broke during the second night. Halfway through the session I began weeping, and after it was over I walked over to one of my spiritual mentors and asked for prayer. This amazing woman took me through half an hour of grueling and difficult prayer as she implored Jesus to take me to the center of my pain. I didn't want to go there. It was clear by how my body and spirit reacted - shame and hard memories and sadness fell over me until at last she asked Jesus, "What do you want to say to Emmie?" And like light breaking through years of darkness, I heard the words in the deepest parts of me echo over the pain and sorrow: "I was your Father before I even made you, and even then I loved you." 

I don't know what I expected when I asked for prayer, maybe an exhortation to keep my head up - it will all be okay - but what I received was so much more. That yearning in my chest these past years? It wasn't just pain, it was the part of me that longed to be connected to my Father - to live nestled under the shelter of his wings - to rest peacefully in knowing: "Emmie, you don't have to strive anymore. You need not work for my love - you could never earn it anyway. No, I lavish my love on you constantly because you are mine. I cherished you even before you existed - what makes you think anything you do could make me love you less?"

These are words I have read and heard from others, but never really believed.... until then.

Do I Really Have to Raise Support?

I'll admit, the whole "Ministry Partnership Development" (raising support through partnership to fund InterVarsity at Georgia Tech - aka MDP) has been an incredibly frustrating, emotionally and spiritually turbulent, disappointing and amazing experience so far... though it more often errs on the difficult, disappointing end. That is probably because I still have several mental and relational blockages that are keeping me from taking the risk of actually asking for my friend's and family's and network's support. I just keep hoping 50k will be dumped into my online account. Yeah... that is probably not going to happen.

And really... it shouldn't happen. It shouldn't happen because this is an experience that I am called into - this is an incredible form of ministry that God has delighted in inviting me to take part of it. You see, if every cent I needed just miraculously appeared in my donation tracking report, then I would have missed out on all of the incredible experiences of relational ministry and God's provision and faithfulness.

MPD is a process of invitation, investment, inclusion, and celebration. It begins with an amazing vision -  a dream of seeing hundreds of students at Georgia Tech encounter Jesus through large group meetings, Bible studies and missional communities, conferences, trainings, evangelical outreach, mission experiences, and prayer. A vision to see every corner of campus reached for the Gospel.

This vision is a part of God's plan for bringing his Kingdom on earth as it is in heaven, and when I get the chance to meet with someone to discuss partnering with InterVarsity, I am extending an invitation for that person to utilize their resources, prayers, and time to see this vision happen.

When that person, family, church, organization commits to giving away these resources to this vision, they are now investing in God's mission in the world - his mission at Georgia Tech. This is an amazing way to be obedient to God's call on our lives to make disciples of all nations. And all investments through time, prayer, and money are seeds that sown on the soil of Georgia Tech and through God's faithfulness - fruit and flowers and trees will blossom in every corner of campus.

That investment means they are now included in the force that is coming together to see this vision happen. They are partnering with my team, IVCF, and God in an incredibly powerful and relational force that could change the world. I don't believe support raising should mean taking someone's money, and never speaking again - it should be an ongoing process of relationship, communication, and care because every gift of prayer, time, and money means that person has a level of ownership over the harvest that is reaped at Georgia Tech.

And of course, this means that together as a relational partnership team - we can celebrate together the wonderful things that God is doing, even now, on campus. We can delight in the achievements that were made possible through God and partnership contributions. We can joyfully praise God for the ways he is remaining faithful to see his vision come to life and Georgia Tech and on campuses all throughout Atlanta and the world.

It is an amazing process... one that I have been afraid of for so long because of my fears of rejection, asking for money, hurting relationships, and failure. But each day I desire more and more to have a team of supporters that I can invite to invest in relational ministry of seeing students come to follow Jesus so that we can celebrate God's faithfulness.

So do I really have to raise support?
Yes.
Is it sometimes difficult, painful, awkward, disappointing?
Yes.
But will it be worth it when we see missional communities awaken in every corner of Georgia Tech?

Definitely yes.

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The Valley

It is one in the morning, and I can't sleep.

I am so incredibly tired, but my mind and heart are keeping me awake. I can't seem to rest -- I can't seem to feel peace or joy or any of those things that people way more spiritual than I am say I should be feeling. Instead, I only feel incredibly tired… and lost. I am lost because I am at a place I never thought I would be in. I literally feel like I have no control over what is happening to me, and I am grieving the loss of so many things - my dreams and my hopes for the future…

You see, I had always imagined that following Jesus would be filled with blessings. And it is, don't get me wrong. But not a lot of people are willing to tell you about the suffering that comes along with it. No one really says that the road can get bumpy along the way before you sign up. There are whole pages of the New Testament where Jesus explicitly lays out these realities of suffering and pain tied to following him, but I must have skipped over those in my early years of knowing him.

But now… now I feel the pain.

I feel the uncertainty of not knowing if everything is going to work out in the end. I feel the fear and confusion that rises when I wonder if I was really cut out for all of this. I feel the emptiness that is caused when close relationships change, shift, or end. I feel the open wounds left by dreams and hopes that will never come to be. Every day I follow Jesus, one more piece of my former self is chipped away, and this process is incredibly painful...

…but it is worth it.

I am in a place of transition. I have graduated college, accepted a call to take part in Jesus' mission through InterVarsity Christian Fellowship, had to deal with my relationship of 2 1/2 years ending, and now I am facing this huge crevice of needing to fundraise and provide for my needs and sometimes it seems too wide to jump. And it is really hard. It is all happening at once. And there are nights, like tonight, where I cry out to God and beg him to pull me out of this mess. I beg him to fix it - to snap his gigantic fingers and make it all go away. I don't want this to happen - I never asked for this!

The pain doesn't go away, but in that moment of deep desperation and hopelessness, God never fails to whisper: "Don't give up. I am with you."

This time is difficult for a reason. I am starting to believe that it is in these moments of suffering, uncertainty, fear, confusion, pain, hopelessness, loss, and transition that God tucks us closer to his heart, like a hen nestles her chicks under her wings. I think it is because it is in moments like these that I truly see, feel, and experience my incredible need for God. I can't tackle the world on my own. I can't do the things he has called me to by myself. I can't fix broken relationships. I can't raise 50,000 dollars alone. I can't plant a new ministry solo. Heck, I can't hold myself together through the first five minutes of Finding Nemo!

But Jesus… he can.

I am learning to trust. I am learning to have faith… not just in God… but in the belief that in the darkest hour - in the place where I fear if I am going to make it, jump that crevice, heal from this broken heart, start something new - that God WILL be with me. And he will bring me through it. ABUNDANTLY.

Thanks be to God for the pain I feel now. Thanks be to God for the ways he is shaping me through suffering. Thanks be to God for the valley I am walking in. And thanks be to God that even in this sleepless night, he will never leave me.

"Spying Out the Land"

A big part of what Morgan and I are going to be doing once we begin our work at Georgia Tech in the fall is planting. Planting is an action that we see all throughout the Bible and especially in the Church during the accounts in the New Testament. In essence, to plant is to look at fertile, and sometimes a little trickier, soil and bringing new things. One of the ways that we do this is by assessing campuses in each region and asking the questions: where have we not gone, is there a strong spiritual influence or Christian witness there, and how can we get there? InterVarsity is dedicated to seeing new things happen in places where nothing presently exists - as an organization we are dedicated to seeing new witnessing communities and movements on campuses planted at universities all across the world. 

Urban view from a traditional campus.

One of my favorite stories that our supervisor Nick Johnson tells us involves him attending a Georgia Tech football game just for fun and leaving with a powerful vision: "Man, I really want to see God do some amazing stuff on this campus." We are collectively starting to experience what Nick experienced that day - we really want to bring something new to this campus. It's amazing how God answers us in these moments. A couple of months later, Morgan and I were provisionally appointed by InterVarsity - and were chosen to plant at Tech. 

This past Thursday, Nick had Morgan and I study a significant chapter in the InterVarsity Planter's Manual called "Spying Out the Land." After taking notes and asking important questions about the material, Nick then had us take a practical next step and join him in visiting the school. We arrived at 9am, and spent most the day walking around to the various buildings and streets of the campus. We interviewed a few cultural informants and got a general feel for the campus. Within the first few months of walking around, Morgan and I both conversed excitedly - we fell in love with Georgia Tech. It is a beautiful campus that offers a traditional experience in an urban setting.

Enjoying the perspective from a roof-top garden. 

As we walked the streets and admired the architecture, the culture of the campus, and the various hot spots on campus, it became increasingly clear to us that God was preparing fertile soil here, and we were excited to see what God was going to do! Together we began dreaming of how we could work alongside Jesus to grow diverse witnessing communities that reach every corner of the campus, and we began theorizing how we could accomplish this within the context of the Tech culture. 

I ask that you would begin praying for the work that God is already beginning at Georgia Tech. Ask God to continually reveal his vision for campus to us. Please pray for favor with the administrative and charter process. And always, always, always pray for Tech students.

Morgan and I just underwent a Ministry Partnership Development Training 101 this past weekend, and we definitely learned so much about building a network of partners to support the ministry God is doing at Georgia Tech. We are excited, though also anxious, of the journey ahead of us as we raise support. We do believe that God has called us here, to this exact moment - and he is invited us to trust him and have faith in him. We have already been blown away from people's generosity toward what God is doing at Tech. Please pray for God's continually provision for this ministry, and that we would be at peace and rest in him. 

Blessings. 

New Life

"Then the Lord put out this hand and touched my mouth. And the Lord said to me, 'Behold, I have put my words in your mouth. See, I have set you this day over nations and over kingdoms, to pluck up and to breakdown, to destroy and to overthrow, to build and to plant.'" -Jeremiah 1:9-10 

I have come to love this verse so much - especially the last line: to build and to plant. I love the imagery that brings up in my mind. Spring is in full force here in Atlanta, and through a thick cloud of pollen, so much beauty is popping up all around me. The trees are turning rich and green and the tulips and lilies of vibrant are opening up to drink the sunlight. I imagine an old man, bent over with his rough hands in the moist dirt tenderly placing a tiny, seemingly insignificant seed into the ground. When he is finished, he covers it with earth and softly pats the space where it remains hidden, and then he walks away. He has faith in knowing that the earth, the sun, and the rain will all work together in harmony to bring about new life where there was once only emptiness.

This is what I believe God is doing here in Atlanta. He is a gardener - he is planting new things, bringing new life and beauty as his Kingdom comes crashing into places that were once empty.

My university experience is an amazing example of that. When I started going to Georgia State, I was very lonely and embarrassed of being so. In many ways, I was confused about my faith and what role it had to play in my life. I felt unsatisfied with the rituals I was brought up to complete, and I wanted more. I felt like the campus was constantly spinning - on one hand, it was brimming with life and excitement but once it turned dark, the campus was empty and desolate. People often comment that you either love Georgia State or you transfer out after one semester. The relationships you build here really define the experience you are going to have throughout your college career.

I am so thankful that within the first month of my freshman year I just happened, by a random circumstance, to come across InterVarsity. During the first event I attended, I heard the vision of what this group of college students felt called to, and a big part of it that stuck out to me was their desire to see new life brought to campus. These Christians had stepped out of rituals, and were putting taking their faith to campus dorms, classrooms, plazas, and libraries because they believed that God wanted more for Georgia State. This vision inspired me and had me coming back for more. Four years later, and my life has been completely transformed by the work of Jesus through InterVarsity - I have seen the soils of three new countries, met incredible communities of believers, witnessed friends come to faith, proclaimed Jesus' desire for justice on my campus, experienced true racial and ethnic reconciliation in multi-ethnic community, and continually grew my leadership skills by heading missional communities and attending core group meetings. Four years later, and I believe God wants me to be a part of bringing life transformation to other students who were just like me.

God is constantly planting. He is constantly putting our little mustard seeds of faith into the ground. His hands are careful as he places us in our communities, his words are tender as he teaches us through Scripture, his dreams are big as he sends us to take risks and to experience new things. And with time we grow. We grow into beautiful, new beings brimming with joy and expectation.

God is bringing new life here - in this city! In this place! And he has this day given us kingdoms and nations to build and plant with him. What's stopping us?

While In This Place

Life is constantly happening all around me. Many of my friends are going off to graduate school next semester to begin pursuing a higher education. A few of my close friends are on the cusp of engagement and getting married, and it is so exciting. Even more of my friends are finding jobs they love doing that pay well and provide generous stability for their futures. Life is bustling on and moving forward, and yet here I am, too ambitious to look behind, yet fearful to go on. Stuck - in this place - while others keep running in every direction, embracing success and failure and everything in between.

How did I get here? And what are the things that could happen while in this place?

~

I have always felt connected with my soul. From the time I was young, I perceived that there was a presence, a sort of existence that remained within me yet apart from me. And as I grew and wrestled through what I believed and why I believed it, I came to the decision that my soul - and my body and mind and heart along with it - belong to God. Not only do they belong to him, but they are fashioned in his likeness. In my own way, I reflect the incredible passion of God, and his mercy and love toward others, his sense of humor, and his creativity. These intricate and beautiful reflections are but small pieces to the grand mosaic he is crafting together to make up his Kingdom. And this means that what I do with my life, my soul and mind, heart and body… matters.

From the point of this realization onward, I have struggled to understand just what it could mean, and how it could be, that my life matters. Is there something specific I am called to do? Is there a place that I am meant to be? Is there a sacrifice I must make? And will I know it when it happens - or will I know before? Will I ever know at all? These are the questions I had coming into college, and they remain with me even still. You see, making the decision to apply and eventually be accepted as an InterVarsity campus staff member did not happen easily. In fact, it was rather like being stuck at sea for a long time, with a terrible gale ripping against the sides of the boat with no hope of the shore.

But like many storms, sometimes in the most ferocious and hopeless moment, the sun will break through and bring cascading light on all that was once dark and cold.

Looking back now, I can see that in every moment on this rough journey, God has never left me. He whispered his plans, his dreams, and his calling for me over and over and over.... And while it was sometimes difficult to hear over the loud, whistling wind; I would often catch a bit of the sweet melody  of his song over me that he knew the plans for me, and they would prosper me and not harm me... they would give me a hope and a future. And yet here I am, in this place, afraid to walk into what he has for me. So long on the ripping waves that I fear the shore.

If you don't know already, after many years of considering, avoiding, crying over, and praying through it - I eventually accepted that God was inviting me to follow him as an InterVarsity campus staff member. Though I dreamed of security, and dreamed of making my parents proud, and hoped for marriage and stability and a home to call my own, I am instead walking into the unknown with nothing but the melody of God to direct my path... and I am afraid. That is what I mean by life going on all around me while I remain stuck. If I move forward now, I risk so much. I risk disappointing my parents. I risk being at the mercy of what other believers are willing to give to the ministry of God. I risk failing, over and over and over again until maybe one day it all is alright. This would scare the hell out of anyone. Yet I realize, right now, that it is in this place of sacrifice and risk that God can truly show just how faithful he remains to me, even in my doubt, fear, and insecurity. If it were not for the winds ripping at my boat, and the waves blocking all view of the shore, if it were not for the darkness - I would not recognize just how marvelous the light was when it broke through and just how sweet the melody rang in my ears when God invited to me to follow him.

So yes - I am still afraid. And I may fail at first, and I may fail again... but God is here. He is here in this moment. And it is with his strength and courage, that I will one day testify to his goodness and all the things that happen while in this place.