ONS 2013 // Healing Pt. 1

ONS Class 2013 // 130+ new staff equipped for campus ministry!

For those of you that managed to escape my media bombardment of photos and stories from my recent adventures, let me tell you with joy that I have been in Madison, Wisconsin for a 10-day training for InterVarsity's Orientation for New Staff (ONS).  Many InterVarsity staff workers before me have explained with reminiscent smiles that ONS is one of the most fun, challenging, and empowering events they have been through. You can imagine with all of that build up, I have been looking forward to ONS since the day I found out of I was called to InterVarsity - and friends, praise God for his faithfulness, for it has not let me down!

An unexpected gift: 

I could spend the next paragraphs detailing all the incredible ways ONS has trained me and equipped me to do ministry on college campuses. I could joyously expound on the stories of new IV staff going out into the city, sharing the Gospel, and seeing 31 new souls come to faith through this experience. I could vividly recount all the ways that God helped me imagine all the incredible work he could at Georgia Tech this upcoming fall - but for right now at least I am going to take a different direction. 

Tonight, I am just going to humbly whisper to you all that during ONS 2013, God began to heal me. This is something I did not anticipate or even desire to happen during my time in Wisconsin because I believed God had more important things to do in me. It seems that despite all of the good training, manuscript Bible studies, and worship, God wanted to do something far more simple and foundational - he wanted to tell me he loved me. He wanted to place his hand over the gaping holes in my spirit and let his touch heal even my most broken places. 

For years I have been a running woman. I have been running from everything - from others, from myself, and from God. I didn't really know why I have been running, why I have been afraid of the silence - afraid of the truth - afraid to be left alone... I just knew if I kept focusing my efforts on doing good works and putting on a good show, then I wouldn't have to feel the pain that had lodged itself deep into my chest. A pain from years of harsh words thrown my way - a wound festering from people I loved telling me I wasn't good enough. It was so real that I thought love was something I had to work for, something I had to measure up to - and yet my whole life, I have been failing to achieve it. This reality was only confirmed for me when my relationship of 2 1/2 years ended. It was just more proof that I wasn't worth loving... I was just too messed up... I wasn't trying hard enough. I confess this to you because for the past three years I have been constantly running to keep myself from feeling that pain. 

Apparently ONS was the place in my life when my spiritual feet completely gave out and with arms raised in surrender I finally confessed to everyone: "I just can't run anymore." 

Maybe it was that Wisconsin water, but something inside of me broke during the second night. Halfway through the session I began weeping, and after it was over I walked over to one of my spiritual mentors and asked for prayer. This amazing woman took me through half an hour of grueling and difficult prayer as she implored Jesus to take me to the center of my pain. I didn't want to go there. It was clear by how my body and spirit reacted - shame and hard memories and sadness fell over me until at last she asked Jesus, "What do you want to say to Emmie?" And like light breaking through years of darkness, I heard the words in the deepest parts of me echo over the pain and sorrow: "I was your Father before I even made you, and even then I loved you." 

I don't know what I expected when I asked for prayer, maybe an exhortation to keep my head up - it will all be okay - but what I received was so much more. That yearning in my chest these past years? It wasn't just pain, it was the part of me that longed to be connected to my Father - to live nestled under the shelter of his wings - to rest peacefully in knowing: "Emmie, you don't have to strive anymore. You need not work for my love - you could never earn it anyway. No, I lavish my love on you constantly because you are mine. I cherished you even before you existed - what makes you think anything you do could make me love you less?"

These are words I have read and heard from others, but never really believed.... until then.