O Come, O Come

I woke up this morning with a distinct pressure upon my chest. It was the mounting weight of unshed tears that had at last waited long enough to appear. I light a candle, I open my Bible, and my pen hovers over untainted paper - yet no words come. Only tears.

Advent. A season of waiting.
A season of hope.
And perhaps, a season of sorrow.

I have realized as I have drawn closer to Jesus over the years, that life's experiences are not always filled with transcendent joy and mirth. Yes, it has been filled with beauty and laughter and genuine thanksgiving, but it has also been messy and painful. I try to make sense of this in light of what I read in Scripture, and I think I have realized that this is actually the norm. When Jesus truly comes crashing into our lives, transforming our very nature, stripping away our pretense and our arrogance and the things we thought we knew and understood... there is pain. There is difficulty. There are tears. Jesus was described as a man acquainted with sorrow, and he invites us to share in that sorrow. For if God is in sorrow, perhaps it is in entering sorrow that we encounter God.

For sorrow comes to us when our eyes are opened to the world. When, at last, the blinders of privilege and selfishness are removed - we are made able to see more completely the world in which we live. We are free to witness the suffering of millions as they hold out weak hands and beg for extra change to provide a momentary relief from the harshness of reality. We are able to see the malnourished bodies of the hungry, the strained faces of the diseased and overlooked, the trembling hands of the oppressed. We are given space to encounter the weight of broken systems that dehumanize our neighbors, overlook the plights of women and children trafficked across national borders, and overwork impoverished people to near death for very little pay (sometimes without their consent) so that we can enjoy the products we love. And we are able to watch the bodies of men fall lifelessly to the ground as their very breath is choked out of them.

And when you have known Jesus, truly known him... these things matter. They don't just matter. They keep you awake at night. They claw and rip and make their way into the very center of your chest until you can hardly breathe. Because we know - this is not how God intended it to be. With hands outstretched, tears pouring down our faces, and with heads so weary we can't even lift them to the heavens, we cry out:

"O, my God! Why? How can you let this go on?"

And to me, that has become the very essence of this season of Advent.

Waiting on God, imploring him to return, begging him to come back to this earth and make things right again. Hoping with all the strength we can muster that he will release the chains of oppression, break the yokes of sin, set free those held captive, bring everlasting festival-joy. Believing, even if it is of little faith, that he shall return and his name will be Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

We wait on Immanuel, our God-With-Us. We wait on the One who is familiar with sorrow and pain. We wait on the servant King to come and place our governments upon his shoulder that he may rule over his people with justice, peace, love, and grace. We wait on the humble Messiah born into poverty and scandal, to renew all things as he tenderly wipes away the tears from our eyes at last. We wait on the Holy One of God to open the doors to his house that we may feast on his abundance
and joy - our human family at last reunited without the walls of hostility that keep us apart from one another.

We wait, we mourn, we weep, we hold each other and find the strength to look to heaven -

And when our eyes find the shining star keeping watch over our broken land by night, we rejoice and know - the Hope of our world is coming again.

Yes, Lord Jesus! Come again!

Confessions of a Single 24-Year-Old

So you know how you spend as much of your childhood and adolescence living in the mysterious future as you do in the present? I was that young person that spent a good majority of my internal life daydreaming and imagining the future I would one day have when freedom was mine.

Naturally I had developed a plan that would secure the best use of the freedom that adulthood would afford me:

Step one: Meet a wonderful Godly man in college.
Step two: Convince him to marry me.
Step three: Get married at 24 years old.
Step four: Have my first child at 27 and continue until 35 ensuring that I get to spend my youth running around with them while also ensuring they would be out this ish when I was still young enough to enjoy my older years. (what??)

What a great plan. 

A kingdom of isolation - and it looks like... I'm the queen.

It's so hilarious looking back at it now, because I am 24 in less than 20 days, and no... there is no wedding taking place or even the prospect of one in the next few years. Which throws off step four... well, actually looking at this - none of these steps actually came to pass or will come to pass... and -

And I know what you're thinking. Are you crazy? 24 years old? Why are you freaking out? There is hope for you yet! Everyone knows getting married before 25 is a stupid ambition anyway. Enjoy those single years girl! Start worrying when you're 40 or something!

(In my defense, southern culture tends to promote early marriage, especially in Christian circles. So I was basically raised under the impression that everyone got married right after college.)

So what happens when dreams and hopes and plans for life don't pan out how you want them to? What happens when you always thought you'd get hitched along with all your other friends before your 25th birthday, and 24 years comes along and you are as single as the day you came into this world?

This happens: 

You have great friends that fill your life with joy and fun and late nights playing video games or throwing incredible parties or dancing to Beyonce until the wee hours of the morning. You sit huddled around a space heater because your air unit is broken and watch your favorite television show with your roommates. You go on trips to the mountains and blare Taylor Swift the whole way. You have Harry Potter marathons and drink butterbeer. You drive through the city with the windows rolled down and laugh at college memories.

You read great books that stay with you for days. You drink good wine and learn to cook interesting food. You decorate your house for Halloween and give out candy to trick-or-treaters. You spend hours stuffing your face with Korean BBQ or shell out too much money to watch Interstellar at the swankiest joint in town. You learn new hobbies and ponder opening an Etsy shop. You go to Waffle House at four in the morning and regret it for days.

You follow Jesus, and he takes you on crazy adventures. You see new shores - fly to new places - learn new things. You meet people you never would have imagined knowing. You call them at midnight because they live in a different time zone. You have spiritual conversations with people over coffee and invite them to follow Jesus. You pursue the Kingdom of God in every area of your life, and with each day, it fills another dusty corner of your soul. You stand free in the overwhelming love that Jesus pours into you, and it flows into others.

So what do you do? You live. 

You enjoy every moment of life whether it was exactly as you pictured it or not. You laugh at things that are funny, you cry when things are disappointing, you grab the hand that reaches out to you when you are afraid of being alone forever. You find joy and meaning in friendships and family. You find wholeness in being loved completely by God. You discover yourself in ways you never thought possible.

You live. 

I feel the need to tell myself that even though I am still single and will most likely be for a while yet - I am a whole person. My life is miraculous and adventurous and fun - it is full. It is more than enough. It will not begin when (or if) I get married to some Godly man I met outside of college. It is every moment of every day, including this one. I am unmarried and unattached to a member of the opposite sex, but I am not alone. No, not at all. And I do not live void of love. I am surrounded by love. My worth does not depend upon whether a suitor finds me attractive or grade-A marriage material. And neither does the satisfaction I have with my life.

So yeah, I'm 24. Single. But I'm fully alive. Every day is a gift.

And that's all good. 

The Gospel Moves in Power on Campus

Sharing the Gospel changes us. 

Students sharing the Gospel on campus

About a month ago, Morgan and I gathered three students and partnered with the Asian Christian Fellowship to spend a week sharing the Gospel on the Georgia Tech campus. We used an InterVarsity resource called the "Awesome Proxe Station." It is essentially an interactive survey experience that leads students through a series of personal and spiritual questions and ends with us sharing a four point diagram of the Gospel - the Good News of Jesus.

I can't explain the wondrous mystery of standing before someone that has never heard about Jesus and the way such sweet words, words like honey, flow from my being. Even then, words just barely grasp at the surface of the endless depths of God's love for the world - his love for us. No amount of charisma or narrative ability can ever truly describe the lengths that God has gone for us... no anecdote I share can ever fully make sense of the furious beauty that God has brought to my life, the restoration and healing he has brought to even my most broken places. No description merits the incredible hope we have in what is to come - in the saving and redeeming work of Jesus to send his people out to bring Shalom... to bring his Kingdom here to earth... to bring his just and merciful reign to our world. Such real, lasting hope we have.

I love telling this story. I love sharing how God has changed my life, how he has transformed me and loved me even in my darkest hours. But even then, it is not enough. It requires the tender movement of the Holy Spirit within us to turn our hearts back to the one who loves us and gave all for us.

God meets us in the midst of sharing His story: 

At the same time, I fall short to live into all that God has for me all the time. At the same time, I am utterly hopeless and a ruin without him, and even kept in his redeeming love, I still fail to measure up. I can remember a moment specifically during that week of evangelism that I came face to face with that reality. During one of our days of sharing the proxe, I noticed that a student was sitting across the room from us. He kept looking over as he was eating lunch, his eyes watching us intently. I felt a wave of embarrassment come over me. I remember thinking, "Oh dear. I bet that guy is annoyed that we are here... I bet he is against all spiritual thought and would spend every second arguing about how ridiculous our faith is if he came over." Still, I had a nagging feeling within me, I felt the Holy Spirit asking me to talk to him, and my eyes kept being drawn to him. But ultimately, I didn't want to deal with the inevitable rejection that was to come.

Sharing the Gospel in a prominent part of campus. 

While I was sharing the Gospel with a student, I noticed he had walked over and was talking to Morgan. I let out of a prayer of sympathy that she had to deal with this student. The two of them spent a good bit of time talking together, and I waited for the moment when he would leave and I could counsel Morgan through the difficult conversation she most likely had with him. When he finally left, Morgan walked over with a smile and said: "God is so good."

Immediately taken aback, I asked what she meant.

"Before that student (Connor*) came over I was feeling discouraged, and I had prayed that God would send just one student that actually cared about this. I just wanted one student that wanted to be a part of this."

I felt my insides leap within in me.

"Wait... you mean to say that guy cares about this?"

"Yes! It was amazing! He said he just transferred here. He had been involved in InterVarsity back in New York and was trying to figure out what he believed and how to follow God, but since coming here, he hasn't found a community that would help him. He said he was so excited we were here and wanted to come to our event next Tuesday!"

I felt tears well up behind my eyes. You have got to be kidding me... the whole time I was sitting there... judging Connor - thinking the Gospel would fall deaf on his ears... to think of all the students in that cafeteria, he was the one student I had singled out to be the least receptive to the Good News of Jesus... and yet, in reality, it was Connor that the Holy Spirit was moving powerfully in. To think that this student had been waiting desperately for what we had to offer... for months he had wanted a community that could help him experience and know God... and in my arrogance, in my insecurity - I sealed my heart almost completely against him. I had become the person I thought he was - I was the one with a closed mind to the possibilities of what God could really do in our lives. 

I lamented my own brokeness in that moment and marveled at the goodness of God. God wasn't done with Connor - you see, he did come to our event that next Tuesday. And you know what happened?

Connor gave his life to Jesus. He decided he wanted to follow Jesus for the rest of his life. 

One of our students, sharing the Gospel for the first time.

As I watched him stand in boldness before our community and confidently make this decision, I felt the Holy Spirit move within me again. God is so good, because in my weakness, in the ways I fail to measure up... God remains most strong. He didn't just prove me wrong that day, he proved just how incredible and powerful his Kingdom really is. It became clear to me in that moment that it is God that is at work here... not me. It is God that is pursuing these students, moving in the hearts long before I meet them. It is God that offers real, lasting hope, and it goes beyond any effort we may make at hindering it. He truly is the farmer, recklessly throwing his seed - the news of what he has and is doing in the world - all over the place without judgment or exclusivity. He invites every single student at Georgia Tech to feast at his table. He gives every single one of an invitation, regardless of who we are or what we've done or we believe to be true. 

Sharing his Gospel on campus wasn't just for these students, it was for me. Because I needed to believe again that God is able... that God is present here. I needed to believe that the message of Jesus and the restoration he brings isn't some arbitrary, abstract thing that is happening unseen around the world - but it is happening here. 

The Kingdom of God is coming to Georgia Tech. It is here. 

How thankful I am that God still chooses to use me. How humbled I am made by this journey of following him... how beautiful it is that God sees Connor and knows what he needs and longs for despite what I may perceive of him. How real it became to me that God truly loves Connor, that he would move in his heart and bring him to the cafeteria that day... and that God would put Morgan there to pray for him even when I felt the Holy Spirit asking to pray for him as well and decided it was hopeless without reason. How wonderful that God always has the victory. How incredible that God is continuing to change me and grow me... that he gives me opportunity constantly to grow my faith and trust in him. What a good God. What a good God. 

What a journey this is. How much is yet to come. 

The Catch of a Lifetime

'New Student Outreach' is not for the faint of heart...

First day of school- titled 'Naive'

The life of a first time planter is filled with unpredictability - risks - moments of fear and moments of triumph and moments of absolute failure. But let's be honest, I am really only in my second week! What do I really know?

All the talking about it... all the praying about it... all the fundraising... all the training... none of it actually prepared me entirely for what would come with that first day. I can't begin to tell you the stress, the fear, the work load - mornings began with the sun and ended well past midnight. I had trouble sleeping, worried that if I fell asleep, I might forget to wake up on time and end up sleeping through something important and before you knew it, the whole thing could collapse. I mean the weight of it all - that if I don't go out there and meet those students, then who will? If I don't print out all the flyers, follow up with these contacts, plan these events, then who will?

I quickly learned that if I didn't put action to my cause, then nothing would happen. I had to be brave or no one would be. I had to go way outside my comfort zone, and awkwardly walk up to students passing by, start a conversation, share our vision, and do my best to get them to give us their contact information. This terrified me. I had to be strong or no one would be. I had to learn to face rejection, after rejection. I had to face getting my hopes up really high, and then having them dashed by reality. I had to face frantically running around the city at rush hour, trying to get all the food needed for events in time - tears rushing down my cheeks as all the traffic lights turned red. And God was good in the midst of it all.  Being a planter has already taught me more about the love, the provision, and the power of God than most other things I have done in my life.

Am I even cut out for this? 

Morgan and I had planned weeks ago to have our second, independent event to fall on the second Wednesday of the new school year. The first event, Fresh Start, which was last Friday, ended up taking so much energy, planning, prayer, and prep that we didn't have much time to think about this week's event. So Monday rolls around. I propose we just do a quick Pizza & Bible Study. Maybe study Luke 5 - the 'Calling of the First Disciples.' We decide to invite the students we have met that night. 

Well life happens. And we had other things to complete... names to type in, students to meet, donors to update. And before you know it, it is Wednesday morning - we have a meeting at 10am, and we haven't contacted a single student. We have printed out the Bible study, but we haven't actually prepped it. Morgan begins frantically texting everyone we have met about the event that night, as I gaze apathetically out the window. 

"Morgan, no one is going to come. What's the point?" I whisper. 

"How can you say that? You never know!" She replies. 

I have struggled these past days with wondering, yet again, am I even cut out for this? I mean, there is so much responsibility... so much rides on what I do or don't do... and here I am, messing everything up already. Bible study isn't prepped, no one has been contacted - for all we know, all the missional and pre-missional students have been taken up by all the other ministries. 

"Emmie, we still have to try," she continues. 

"Okay. Fine." 

Luke 5: The Calling of the First Disciples

During our break after meeting students, we went to a coffee shop to finally prep the Bible study. I must admit, it felt pointless. Nearly everyone said they were busy and couldn't come. I personally felt like a failure. I meet all these students, share the vision... but is it going to end there? I give a vision talk, invite them to put feet to their faith... but is anyone going to respond? Is anyone going to join our group? It's amazing how personal everything becomes when you go from being a student to a staff. I felt like it wasn't the group they were rejecting - it was me. 

I continued to bug Morgan and ask her to just cancel it. I didn't want to be in another empty room with no one there. But she was brave and strong and faithful - she reminded me that there is always next week. We can always try again. 

As I read the passage through with Morgan and as I began to study it, I felt the Holy Spirit stir within me. These were fishers that had been out ALL NIGHT and hadn't caught a thing. Not a single fish. And all of sudden, this Rabbi that hasn't the first clue about fishing comes to the scene and tells them way past their bedtime and after they had gone through the work of cleaning their nets to head back out to the deep water and let out their nets again. I mean, Jesus sounds crazy here. What does He know about this? It is an absolutely absurd thing for him to ask. 

But you know what? They obey. 

And they end up with the catch of their life. Enough fish to sink their boats. They witness the powerful abundance of this Jesus, they call Him 'Lord,' and they leave everything to follow Him. 

As I read this, I felt like the fishermen... we have been working and prepping and meeting students for weeks, and we still haven't really caught anything! Maybe it was time to clean up the nets and go home... cancel this Bible study... because I don't want to face that empty room. 

"Emmie, you still have to try," Jesus whispers. 

"But what you are asking is crazy! Why would we buy pizza, prep this study just to sit in that empty room?" I respond. 

"Because, I am asking you to," He responds. 

The Catch of Lifetime 

Forty students at our first event - praising God!

I sat in awe as student after student piled in. Nine students in total. It may not seem like much. But these were nine students we have met over the past few months, invested in, called and emailed and invited... nine students. Before this point, there were no students. Last week, InterVarsity at Georgia Tech was just Morgan and I. Now it is nine students. Only God can bring something from nothing. Only God can bring abundance from emptiness. Only God can bring the catch of a lifetime. 

Tonight, I led nine students that hadn't met before in a manuscript Bible study. We looked at the future-disciples. We shared in new things we hadn't seen before. We were amazed at their willingness to obey. We too were astonished at their catch of fish... but we were even more astonished that this Jesus, this Jesus... was worth leaving everything to follow. 

As I shared what we believed God had called us to on campus - to live out our faith and to share in on campus - to put out our nets out in deep water - to trust God, to obey - to leave everything and follow Him... I felt the words were for me, not just the students. It was God inviting me to live out my faith and share it on campus, it was God asking me obey Him... even when it seemed like this water was way too deep, and I already had too many failures to count... God was asking me - inviting me - to trust Him in all things. Even when it seemed completely pointless.  

I looked around the table and saw their eyes lit up. They eagerly shared testimonies about what they believed God may be calling them to on campus. They asked for prayer to help them reach out to their friends. They signed up to join a missional community and to become trained on how to do a Proxe Station and share the Gospel on campus.... And it had nothing to do with me. It was Jesus. Jesus in His goodness, in His power, in His call... it was Jesus and the hope for what He could mean for campus and their friends that lit these eyes. 

Every awkward fundraising appointment, every sleepless night, every fear... it was all worth it. And I will go through it again and again willingly for this moment: I witnessed the first ever students of InterVarsity at Georgia Tech respond to Scripture and God's call on their life. 

I held back the tears, as I repented silently of my disbelief in God's power.
"Don't be sad, and no longer be afraid; now you are a fisher of men," He lovingly whispered.

This is it. This is the catch of a lifetime. 

Immanuel: God With Us

Today I shared the vision of InterVarsity with a student that doesn't know Jesus. And in our conversation, I told her that I believed that Jesus brings us hope. Abounding hope. Real hope. Hope that overcomes the world and all of its brokenness. When she walked away with an information card in her hand, I felt a deep sadness well up inside me. I didn't understand why, and as I drove to my friend's house - I felt the sadness growing and an emptiness fill me.

Do I really believe that? Do I really believe that Jesus offers hope? Do I really believe that Jesus is the only hope in this world riddled with pain, war, famine, poverty, disease... depression? Do I really believe He is hope enough for these students?

Do I believe He is hope enough... for me?

With the tragic passing of Robin Williams, the internet has blown up with articles and anecdotes imploring that we as a society take seriously the issue of depression and mental unwellness. To be honest, it was hard to read a lot of those things because I have quietly struggled with depression for much of my life. It is not something many people know about, including my own family. I have sought counseling and received much support in this area, but it is still something that affects me, unfortunately, very often. Including the past few months.

It's not something I ever talk about except with the people I am closest to because in some ways, it is a taboo subject among Christians. It is highly misunderstood, simplified, and overlooked by a lot people, even though many Christians wrestle with depression and mental unrest on varying levels.

I never understood why it was difficult for me to find satisfaction and joy in life, when all around me were Christians that reveled and rested in the peace that Christ brings. It was extremely hard for me to come to terms with the reality that life is not always filled with beauty, and truth, and divine moments of self-actualization - but it is in fact often filled with suffering, loneliness, and despair. It is filled with sleepless nights. It is filled with tears that are shed for no apparent reason. It is filled with cries of anguish and depravity. And there are times when I question if I believe that there is real and lasting hope in this world - real and lasting hope in Jesus. It is hard to see the light through the clouds.

I believe that the Bible speaks into depression. One can't go far into the Psalms without coming across an agony-filled lament that doesn't have a happy ending. I can never forget the cries of David saying that his sorrow is so great, it is as if tears were his very food and drink... his couch was flooded with tears... his bed was filled with them. We see sadness, dissatisfaction, emptiness, loneliness, and abandonment throughout Scripture. Even our beloved Jesus spends an entire night in such destitution, that He sweats blood. Even our beloved Jesus weeps.

What a Savior... what a God - Scripture calls him "Immanuel" meaning "God With Us."

God with us...

Doesn't it seem like God - an omnipotent, omniscient, perfect being should separate Himself as far from us as possible? Doesn't it seem like our sin, our darkness, our emptiness... our depression should deter Him? Doesn't it seem like He would remove Himself from our woes? If this is truly in fact the consequence of our depravity, wouldn't He be justified in letting us have what was coming to us?

Instead, we see God so loved the world - so loved us - in all of our brokenness, all our suffering... He came to make His home among us. He wrapped Himself in our tender, human flesh and stepped into the mess. After a scandalous birth among livestock, He came to us only to flee immediately as a refugee to an unknown land. He grew up familiar with poverty. He spent His life walking around with dust on His feet, with only a group of flaky, even disloyal men to call His friends. He witnessed unspeakable brokenness, heartache, disease, and oppression. And in the end, He was betrayed by His own, flogged nearly to death, and hung for the whole world to make a mockery of Him.

He is not a distant God. He is not observing our troubles from on high. He is not ignorant nor negligent of our pain. He came as one of us, and stepped right into our humanness and our sorrows, and He did not shy away. He wept. He became acquainted with our sorrows. Familiar with our pain. He too knew the darkness of depression and utter hopelessness. Instead of shielding Himself from the throes of reality - He willingly gave Himself up to die a humiliating, excruciatingly painful death that was the very thing that brought us life and life abundant. He was truly God with us. God With Us.




Only He can bring fullness and wholeness to our human brokenness. Only He can make it right. This does not mean that we can solve all our problems by praying harder and trying harder. Depression is an illness that often requires medical and psychiatric attention. But we have Hope in knowing that as we suffer and wrestle through the hard times in life, we are not alone. We are not abandoned. We are not unseen. We are loved desperately and deeply by a good, gracious, and loving God that left the glories and splendor of His Kingdom for our streets and neighborhoods and our flesh. We have a God that is not afraid of our mess - not afraid of our brokenness. We have a God that brought beauty from ashes, joy from pain, wholeness from emptiness, and life from death. We have a God that never leaves, never forsakes, never gives up on us.

And it is in my beautiful humanness, beloved by God, that I can tell every student at Georgia Tech that - yes, Jesus is truly Hope of the World.

Time, My Old Friend

A beautiful view from first intentional retreat of silence. 

This year has been quite a time of growth, self-revelation, and challenge. I have been faced with some of the greatest things about me - my passions, my talents, my strengths... all of these things have been awakened by stepping into full-time vocational ministry with college students. I feel more alive than I ever have before - there is great joy to be found walking in one's purpose. 

All that beings said, I have also come face to face with many of my darkest places. The dusty corners of my soul have been more imposing than ever - weaknesses, fears, laziness... all these things have reared their ugly heads at different points within this one year of ministry. I could spend days and days writing about some of the ways these things have impacted me this past year, and the ways that I believe God is working alongside me to address them, but I want to focus on one issue that has been particularly difficult to overcome.

Time. 

Yes, that flighty mistress. Time is one of the forces we all experience and cannot escape from, and it is measure by which we can order the moments of our lives to put our passions, our skills, even our very selves to the best use. Scripture says: "So teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom." (Psalms 90:12)

So what has time been for me? The short answer... a hot mess. I have never been a left-brain, type-A, or J (Myers Briggs) sort of person. I am very much go with the flow. Unless an event has been set in stone (an even then, it is never really set in stone) through verbal or virtual confirmation, I never make plans. I wake up, and the first thing I think is... "Okay, what now?" So much of my life is spur of the moment. Nothing bothers me more than agendas... planners... schedules... Google calendar... nothing feels more inhibiting than a daily structured routine.

This worked well for me in college, I was able to avoid planning my time and get away with it, but transitioning into full-time ministry has proved to be an entirely different story. My spontaneous habits have proven to be positive in many ways... I am not deterred when things don't go as planned, for instance. I am able to switch plans up at a moment's notice, and I can jive well with college student's unconventional sense of time. However, it is has proven to be a major hinderance to my professional and spiritual development. How has this affected me? Glad you asked.

Being a full-time campus minister means splitting my work time between fundraising and networking to develop possible partnerships, meeting students and discipling students on campus, preparing Scripture, events, discipleship cycles, etc. to use on campus with students, completing all the administrative activities that keep my team well informed on what is going on with campus, and enjoying an intimate relationship with God and working alongside him in his mission on campus. Hardly any of these things is structured in a 9-5pm sense - the majority of the time, I am responsible for structuring these activities into my weekly work schedule.

Surprise... my old methods of using time have been entirely unsuccessful at accomplishing these things each week. And as weeks would go by, and I would look reflect on time gone by... sometimes I would wonder how I managed to let time completely pass me by without achieving anything of value. God's rebuke over my misuse of time can be a difficult thing to hear, but it is filled with kindness and hope. Hope that his power and strength can transform even the most stubborn habits in our lives - hope that he can make all things new.

~

And so my friends, I present a to-do list/goals/a strategic plan (I hate all three of those words) to help me begin the process of reordering my time in a way that puts me in the best position to work with my strengths and achieve my mission:

1. Create a weekly schedule before the week actually happens. 

This involves carefully planning out when are the best times to complete certain activities (working out, down time, preparing food, showering, etc) around set priorities (blocks of time devoted to working on the aforementioned obligations). This may require denying invitations to take part in something super fun so that I can complete the goals on my schedule - but sacrifice often brings about a deeper sense of reward and fruitfulness especially in ministry.

2. Have a set bed time and wake up time. 

That was my least favorite thing I have ever typed, but in order to develop a healthy lifestyle and routine, one most set aside enough hours for rest at a reasonable part of the day. Obviously, circumstances are varying - especially with the college students I work with. That aside, I need to go to bed at a reasonable hour so I can focus as much day time energy as possible on my job and my relationships.

3. Set aside intentional space and time to commune with God.

This is a hard one for me, as I tend to slide this into the occasional spaces of freedom I have in my current by-the-moment time frame. Life in God requires meeting with God, developing intimacy with him, listening to him, and learning from him. Like any relationship, this demands an intentionality and a setting aside of all other distractions to devote oneself completely to the process of friendship. I seek to permanently set a time each morning to commune with God unless things arise that are absolutely urgent. I long to begin each day in him and spend each day with him, and this can be extremely difficult when I don't even make the time for him in my schedule. And clearly, the vocation I have given myself to is led by God - therefore, I must learn to hear his voice in everyday actions.

4. Learn to be alone. 

I have a really horrible habit of never being alone. I can't stand solitude so I fill every waking moment with people or activities or I'll completely zone out on something to distract me from feeling alone. Solitude and silence are two very important spiritual disciplines that help us grow in our understand of self and our relationship with God, and I believe that I am missing out on myself and the beauty of myself when I avoid... myself. (Horrible sentence structure, am I right?) I plan on responding to this issue by carving out space each week to spend alone doing work, praying on campus, retreating with a spiritual book, enjoying coffee while I create ministry updates, etc. I have a sneaking suspicion that as time goes by, I will need to create more space especially in the evenings to be alone - but for the time being, I am going to take baby steps. You know, one small step for man kind of thing.

~

I would love for you to pray for me as I seek to number my days and gain a heart of wisdom.

Reflections From the Silence

Anyone thats know me well, and maybe even not that well, knows that I have serious issues with being alone. I am always surrounded by people, and if I can't find people, I will text, message, or call anyone I can think of to fill the silence that solitude so often brings. There is nothing that scares me quite like the prospect of an entire day of aloneness and quietness - that is why they rarely happen for me.

I haven't been feeling well today, and as a result, I ended up all day in bed completely alone. I tried everything I could to fill the void - I read a book and started another book... I stalked everyone I knew online and dreamed of the day we would get to talk again. I texted a million people. I ached for company. I ran as far away from the silence as I could. At some point in my despair, I sensed God's presence. And in that moment, I tried even farther to run away from the silence.

Thankfully, the presence of God outruns any attempt I make at escaping Him.

We have been on shaky terms recently, Him and I. I haven't been entirely sure of what was causing this, and because I resent criticism, I wasn't exactly eager to find out why. After fighting the urge to speak to God for an hour, I finally gave up.

This has been one of the most difficult years of my life. I can't count how many times I have written that sentence on this blog. I am not trying to pity myself because despite the challenges, this year has been filled with immense joy, celebration and victory. I have discovered myself in such new ways - tried so many new things - I was given so many incredible gifts. God has been really good to me this year as He is every year. But in spite of these things, I have also, unknowingly or perhaps knowingly, developed a fear of God and His sovereignty.

Tonight, God asked me why I no longer trusted Him. Because I finally realized in the silence, that I don't, even though I have every reason to trust Him.

After receiving a degree that increased my chances of being financially successful and independent, I was instead called into a vocational ministry that required me to raise support in spite of having no other income to provide for myself. God has and continues to provide generously for this. I should trust Him.

After I exited a long-term relationship with a person that I loved and cared for, I was lost and confused and unsure about my worth. Through so many people and prayer, God continually assured me of His inconceivable love for me and as time went on, I can say I feel completely healed. I should trust Him.

Why is it that after all He has done for me, I still fear giving my entire life to Him?

I feared the silence today because I was afraid of what He had to say. I realized that I think, as so many people do, that I can provide better outcomes for my endeavors than He can. I realized that at the deepest core of myself, I still fear that He doesn't want good things for me, but wants me to earn my way into His good favor. I was afraid that He would reprimand me for all that times I have failed Him this year. Instead, I found a Good Father waiting for me with open arms.

It is in my humanness that I am most desperate for God, and it is in my humanness that I am most loved by Him. I am constantly amazed that despite all the times I have run away from Him, sinned against Him, failed to give my entire life to Him - He remains closer than my own self. His grace is still so deep and wide and vast, and I fall right into every time. The Cross made a way for me into the heart of God where I find peace and life abundant.

I will probably run away from God again. I will probably fear trusting Him again. But like a gentle lover, He pursues me tenderly and with kindness and doesn't even wait for me to come back to Him - He finds me. I can trust Him. I can trust Him with everything.

It is in trusting God that we are empowered and strengthened to make the reckless bounds of faith. It is in trusting God that we find our truest selves - every inch of us celebrated and valued. It is in trusting God that we can settle into the silence and the quiet and find a love that has been waiting for us - a love that doesn't fail, even when we do.

A New Thing

Today I sat in my car, and I cried.

I wasn't trying to be dramatic, but I often am. I cried tears of thankfulness - gladness radiating in my heart for all that Christ has done in me this past year. It has been exactly a year since I have been provisionally appointed with InterVarsity, and in that time, I have faced many challenges, learned many things, and developed many skills for my staff life. In seven months, God used many of you to come together and partner with the ministry, bringing in nearly 70% of my budget and allowing me to spend part of my time cultivating this ministry on campus. It has been an amazing year.

But I also wept because I was sad. I lamented all the moments I didn't give my all to Jesus and his calling. I felt guilt and shame for allowing fear to control me many times over the past year - paralyzing me and keeping me from taking risks that could have had a lasting Kingdom impact. I wept for all the times I backed out on asking the tough questions. I wept for not asking some people to sow eternal-investments in this ministry. I wept for all the times I choose to stay in my warm room instead of rising to the challenge. I wept for every idol I let take over - for every day I tried to do it alone - for not depending on Jesus. And I wept for what was lost... for what could have been if I tried harder. If I worked harder. If I prayed harder.

My spirit kept whispering: 'I failed. I failed. I failed.'

~

As I was driving, the rain washing away the pollen that had accumulated on my car, I noticed how green everything had become. The once barren trees - stripped of all signs of life - had sprouted vibrant, green leaves that bounced as drops of rain fell upon them. White flowers, pink flowers, purple flowers, yellow flowers - they sprang up as if out of nowhere. They covered the side lines of the streets, bloomed in front of neighborhoods, smiled in my front yard. Spring is coming, and Spring is here.

In that moment, God's voice surfaced in my heart.

And he kept whispering: 'See? I am doing a new thing. I am doing a new thing in you.'

~

This is a cheesy post, I realize. But today, God reminded me that I am human. I mess up. I make mistakes. I let laziness take over, and I sometimes shrink back from taking big risks. But I am also loved. I cry in the car when things get hard - when I face my depravity. I cry out when I recognize that I have been trying to make it on my own, forgoing the trustworthy guidance of God. But I am also loved.

"Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." Isaiah 43:19

I am so loved that God takes my brokenness and turns into something beautiful, something new. He doesn't see hopelessness when he looks at me - he doesn't see a basket case - he doesn't look on with disappointment: Couldn't she has tried harder? Couldn't she have just trusted me?

These aren't God's words over me.

He sees the all the days of life. He sees a new thing - a new creation. Loveliness. I believe my soul sings a sweet melody to him. And I look forward to an ever deepening relationship with him - and I look forward to all that he is going to do at Georgia Tech and in the Georgia area. I look forward to sharing this love - perfect Love - with the students at Georgia Tech.

May we celebrate Spring, and all the new things that God is doing in our lives and around the world!

Staying

China Town, Bangkok, Thailand - 2011

My whole life I dreamed of wandering the corners of the earth. I dreamed of out getting out of Georgia. I dreamed of living in big cities and small, rural towns all around the world just constantly on the move. I never dreamed that five years after high school I would still be living in Georgia and less than an hour away from where I began my life.

When I was applying for college, distance was the key. I applied to NYU, University of Alaska Fairbanks, even a school in Egypt. I wasn't running away from anything, it was more like I was running towards something - adventure, delightful discomfort, beauty... And I was disappointed when the circumstances of life kept me in-state at a school located in the heart of downtown Atlanta. The goal was always to transfer out when life was more manageable, but something prevented that from happening again.

And that was InterVarsity.

I encountered InterVarsity just a month into my freshman year. I was struggling with the loneliness and confusion about where I belonged on campus. The reality that life doesn't always exist in the ways we most prefer was a little too much for me, and I quickly understood that "shooting for your dreams" was a lot more difficult that movies and teachers and parents had made it seem. In a very real sense, I felt entirely purposeless. My thought process: If I am not off traveling and exploring and writing then what point is there to this time in my life? I guess I will get through these next four years to appease society and then life will begin the moment I can escape from this place at last.

And then there was InterVarsity.

During my first encounter with InterVarsity, I was presented with a choice. I could continue coasting throughout my college years and my faith with relative ease and then move onto "real life" - or - or... I could believe that Jesus has something more for me. I could believe that I am at Georgia State for a reason - that it was no mistake that I ended up here. I was challenged to consider if in the midst of my disappointment with my life that there was in fact... a purpose.

The shores of Ca Ira, Haiti - 2010

I ended up staying at Georgia State for the next four years. I did end up seeing some of the world, but I also found adventure, delightful discomfort, and beauty in the everyday actions of being a college student. I saw friends step into faith in Jesus. I saw new exciting things begin in unreached parts of campus. I saw a riley group of 20 year olds demand justice and proclaim the Gospel in with fervor and passion. I saw so much... I experienced so much... I truly, truly lived.

You can imagine that when graduation rolled around, and I realized that God was inviting me to trust him, that I became nervous. You can imagine that when he called me to InterVarsity, and asked me to stay in Atlanta to start a brand new ministry at a prestigious university only five minutes away from my last one, that I became quite disappointed. You can imagine that as bills began to come in and three year commitments were considered that I became acutely aware of the fact that each day here made it more difficult to leave. Once again, reality can be such a heavy weight to carry.

What happens when God asks you stay? What happens when he asks you to plant - to plant yourself and all your dreams and hopes into the soil on which you currently stand? What happens when he invites you to grow your roots deep into the very place you were trying to leave? What happens when obedience means choosing to deny our own very real desires? What happens when Matthew 16 becomes real to us: "The Jesus said to his disciples, 'Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it..."

Finding my life in Georgia soil. - 2014. 

Maybe what happens is this: we grow. We drink deeply from the very soil we were planted in. We stretch out our arms wide. We dance in the sun. We bear fruit - delicious, ripe, and colorful for all to enjoy.

I don't know much, but I do know the verse doesn't end there, it ends with: "...and whoever loses his life will find it." There is something beautiful in The Choice. That great, powerful, and difficult moment when we muster all our courage and say: "Lord, I didn't want this. I was hoping to be somewhere in eastern China by now, and I must admit... staying in Atlanta for the next years is a terrifying thought, I don't want to get trapped here... but I trust you. I love you. I believe in your purpose for my life. I choose you above all other loves and your purpose above all other dreams."

Sometimes The Choice is to go - to go to the places you are so scared of going. Maybe a country where there is terrible war, danger, and destruction or where the language is unfamiliar or the food strange. Maybe it means sending your children to an underprivileged school so you can grow relationships with your neighbors. Maybe it means leaving behind a well paying job to go a share the Gospel with college students in your city.

But sometimes The Choice is to stay.

Though it be difficult, I choose to stay. I choose to believe in God's purpose for me. I choose to grow deeply here - to devote myself to my city and to promote God's shalom here. I choose to care for the college students on the dozens of campuses in this city. I choose to give at least three years of my life to Georgia Tech, a college culture that is highly different from the one I came from. I choose to love my community well. I choose to stay.

I choose to stay.