Not just silence, but solitude. That mysterious paradox of aloneness without being lonely. The quietness that is tucked away within. He has been revealing the absolute delight of a solitary walk along the river or the magic to be found in an evening alone with a book. He has, without me even realizing it, turned my eyes inward to behold the endless adventure that awaited me there - the most steadfast companionship, the most enthralling conversations - because what do you know, at the center of being, it was Love Himself waiting for me.
For the past few months, I have taken on the discipline of solitude and silence at least once a day. It started off being only a few minutes, because if you know me, my greatest fear in life was being alone especially alone in silence. However, as the days wore on, I began to crave it more and more. I found that the more I listened, the more I quieted myself, the more I stepped into the still waters, the louder the voice of Him became to me. Oh, it’s been glorious friends! It’s been the greatest wonder of my life to find that in silence, I have heard so much! I have known my Beloved Jesus for years now, but not like this. I listen, and he speaks. Not always. But even when it remains quiet, there is a mysterious work that I can only describe as deepening happening.
Now I am not a pro at this. In fact, I am a the biggest newbie the Lord has probably ever known because I am pretty sure I started in the negatives (like, I was so afraid of silence and so dependent on other humans, I would sometimes have to listen to an audiobook in the car or when I was alone in my room so I could hear another human voice, kind of negatives.) But how patient and faithful he has been! So I decided it was time to jump from .04%-10% and do a retreat of silence for eight hours today. I figured I had practiced enough. I was ready! I mean I had done a five hour retreat of silence before when I was forced to at a training I went to. Granted, I coincidentally got a stomach virus and was throwing up and/or preparing to throw up and/or sleeping until it was time to throw up again the whole time.... so... did that... count? Or? Doesn’t matter. I’m doing it.
The Eight-Hour Retreat of Silence, otherwise known as: A Quick and Easy Guide to Prove Your Holiness.
A Hobbit's Tale, by Emmie Lancaster.So, I went to my favorite coffee shop with a park attached to it, armed to the nines with books and journals and Lara Bars in case I grew weary (because the waiting on the Lord, it can get weary, am I right?) And it was a wonderful day of reflection. I spent a few minutes reading through my old journal, (an unfortunate mistake that caused me to break out in a cold sweat because could ya girl really be THAT whiny??) and I also marveled at the extent of God’s work in my life over the past year. I couldn’t believe that in so short a time, my love and dependence on Him had deepened so much. I couldn’t fathom how the issues I was wrestling through even seven months ago - I mean life-consuming issues - were like vapor to me now. Places of distrust that I had harbored against Jesus were replaced with childlike belief in him. How had this healing work been done so quickly? This maturing work? I knew that it had come through learning to be quiet. Learning to listen.
After some time reflecting, studying Scripture and walking around, enjoying nature - I started reading a book on solitude. It was fantastic and rich and filled with all these amazing insights - and I was proud of myself because - look at me. I have been doing this stuff for months now! I am practically a pro at solitude and silence! Man, what are all these other Christians doing if they aren’t meditating on Christ like I am? In fact, I am so thirsty for righteousness, I am going to apply this chapter right now and spend the next hour completely silent without any books or journals or Bibles to guide me. I can’t wait to show the Lord how much he means to me.
Well. Here’s how that went:
I sat there. It was chilly outside, and I shivered. I gazed out at the water. The geese were so loud. Stop honking! You’re messing up my inner quietness! Shoot, I thought about something other than God... okay, okay let me start over. Hmmmm. Yep. I'm feeling it. I'm really feeling it. Anndddd no actually this is terrible, I just thought about Adam Driver. Maybe I’ll repeat a verse in my head to focus myself again. Uh... what the heck, I am a campus minister and not a SINGLE verse is coming to mind? I need to start memorizing more Scripture. Maybe a sip of coffee will help me engage better. Caffeine saves. GAH that’s hot as the fires of hell, and it’s burning my chin! Anddddd my favorite sweater is stained... again... Okay. Let’s do this. It’s just me and you, Lord. Inner quietness. I got this.
 |
| Me, right after trying to be silent. |
And then I started crying. I mean... ugly crying. Like, I’m Anne Hathaway, and I just won an Oscar, thanks everyone for supporting me, kind of crying. At least, that is what I assumed the nice family in the bench next to mine was thinking of my emotional outburst. But #hatersgonnahate. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me, why I so sad... As I was trying to make sense of it, I felt the presence of the Lord come. Perfect timing. I sensed him next to me and felt that tender whisper: “What is wrong, child? Why are you crying?”
And it finally came to me. I was crying, because like so many other things in my life, I couldn’t even do this right. I couldn’t be quiet. I couldn’t silence my mind or my heart. There were too many nuances, too many details that I couldn’t master. I was overwhelmed by how much I had to grow, how many miles to tread to reach the depths of my soul, how many days I had wasted with noise... I was afraid if I didn’t do it right, I was going to miss out on what the Lord wanted to share with me. I was afraid he wasn’t going to come - afraid that he wouldn’t speak. I wanted to be good at this - I wanted to do it right. My Love deserved that. And I wanted to make sure my heart was a welcoming place for him.
Crying, angry and frustrated, deeply saddened by humanness - I looked back up at the river. Immediately my eyes noticed movement on the other side; squinting, I saw that is was a beautiful chocolate Lab running gleefully along the river’s bank. I smiled. Her tail was wagging, her wet nose to the ground, taking in all the new, tantalizing scents. She was exploring everything with the excitement of one who was just now seeing a forest for the first time.
“That’s you, Emmie.”
What.
“Did... did you call me a dog?” I love you Jesus, but that’s rude. A chuckle.
“Just watch.”
I focused on the chocolate Lab again. She was running up and down these boulder cliffs like there was nothing to fear, like there wasn’t any possibility of her slipping and falling to the raging river below. Okay, I get it. God, you’re teaching me not to be afraid. Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, kind of thing. Great. Good to know.
But just then, I saw a man walk out of the woods and onto the trail. He was wearing a blue jacket and started chasing the dog around in a joyful game. He followed her up the cliffs and together they stood at the edge of the rocks and gazed out across the river. He put a hand on her head and tousled her ears in a loving embrace.
“Do you think that man brought his cherished dog out to the river so she could prove herself to him? Do you think he is keeping a tally on how well she smells things, or runs around the trails, or how fast she is? Do you think he is watching to see if she going to be afraid of the cliffs? Do you think he is upset that they aren’t communicating perfectly?”
I shook my head. (The family next to me was probably dialing the closest psychiatric facility.)
“He loves his dog. He is happy to simply be with her. That’s enough for him. "
*Crying progresses from Anne Hathaway tears to Kim Kardashian tears.*
~
To the God Who Comes... the God Who Loves. My Beloved friend, my dearest companion, the Shepherd of my Soul:
A Love Letter, by Emmie LancasterYou are the deepest joy of my life. Oh, that I could give you all of myself, completed and perfect and whole, an ornament of invaluable worth, because that is what you deserve. I confess that my humanness is often more than I can bear. I confess that I am so easily overwhelmed with how-to's and details and rules and step-by-step methods that I completely miss the point... I completely miss you. I long to sit at your feet all the days of my life, to hear every word from your lips - to marvel at the expressions on your face, to bask in the glory of your resurrected body, to hold those marked hands in my own. I long to have the endurance and wakefulness to wait however long it takes for you to come and speak your words over and into me, but I confess that I grow tired of waiting. My mind dances with other things. I am distracted by the cares and vapors of this world. I confess that I don't love as you deserve. And I never will.
Yet how you love me. Oh, my Beloved, if I am overwhelmed by the mechanics of prayer, than overwhelmed doesn't even begin to scrape at how to describe how I feel when I consider your everlasting love toward us! How can so perfect and complete and whole and holy and wonderful and magnificent of a being that there is no set of words in any human language that can even begin to paint a picture of who you are look on me with such love and speak to me... like a Father? How can it be that you care to be with me at all? That you wait for me and come to me and lead me and find me, and how can it be that you have such patience, such kindness, that you delight in even my fumbling-attempts at being with you? My unnecessary attempts to please you?
It's too lofty, Lord! I scarce can take it in. And perhaps an eight-hour retreat of silence was a bit off the mark, but you were faithful to teach me in your loving way as you always do. I look forward the days of my life, knowing that every moment brings me closer to beholding you in the fullness that you are. And I know in that Place and in that Time, we will at last communicate face to face like the old friends that we are.
In silence I have found, again, that my soul can say in full belief: I will dwell in the house of Lord forever, and that's enough for me.
