While In This Place

Life is constantly happening all around me. Many of my friends are going off to graduate school next semester to begin pursuing a higher education. A few of my close friends are on the cusp of engagement and getting married, and it is so exciting. Even more of my friends are finding jobs they love doing that pay well and provide generous stability for their futures. Life is bustling on and moving forward, and yet here I am, too ambitious to look behind, yet fearful to go on. Stuck - in this place - while others keep running in every direction, embracing success and failure and everything in between.

How did I get here? And what are the things that could happen while in this place?

~

I have always felt connected with my soul. From the time I was young, I perceived that there was a presence, a sort of existence that remained within me yet apart from me. And as I grew and wrestled through what I believed and why I believed it, I came to the decision that my soul - and my body and mind and heart along with it - belong to God. Not only do they belong to him, but they are fashioned in his likeness. In my own way, I reflect the incredible passion of God, and his mercy and love toward others, his sense of humor, and his creativity. These intricate and beautiful reflections are but small pieces to the grand mosaic he is crafting together to make up his Kingdom. And this means that what I do with my life, my soul and mind, heart and body… matters.

From the point of this realization onward, I have struggled to understand just what it could mean, and how it could be, that my life matters. Is there something specific I am called to do? Is there a place that I am meant to be? Is there a sacrifice I must make? And will I know it when it happens - or will I know before? Will I ever know at all? These are the questions I had coming into college, and they remain with me even still. You see, making the decision to apply and eventually be accepted as an InterVarsity campus staff member did not happen easily. In fact, it was rather like being stuck at sea for a long time, with a terrible gale ripping against the sides of the boat with no hope of the shore.

But like many storms, sometimes in the most ferocious and hopeless moment, the sun will break through and bring cascading light on all that was once dark and cold.

Looking back now, I can see that in every moment on this rough journey, God has never left me. He whispered his plans, his dreams, and his calling for me over and over and over.... And while it was sometimes difficult to hear over the loud, whistling wind; I would often catch a bit of the sweet melody  of his song over me that he knew the plans for me, and they would prosper me and not harm me... they would give me a hope and a future. And yet here I am, in this place, afraid to walk into what he has for me. So long on the ripping waves that I fear the shore.

If you don't know already, after many years of considering, avoiding, crying over, and praying through it - I eventually accepted that God was inviting me to follow him as an InterVarsity campus staff member. Though I dreamed of security, and dreamed of making my parents proud, and hoped for marriage and stability and a home to call my own, I am instead walking into the unknown with nothing but the melody of God to direct my path... and I am afraid. That is what I mean by life going on all around me while I remain stuck. If I move forward now, I risk so much. I risk disappointing my parents. I risk being at the mercy of what other believers are willing to give to the ministry of God. I risk failing, over and over and over again until maybe one day it all is alright. This would scare the hell out of anyone. Yet I realize, right now, that it is in this place of sacrifice and risk that God can truly show just how faithful he remains to me, even in my doubt, fear, and insecurity. If it were not for the winds ripping at my boat, and the waves blocking all view of the shore, if it were not for the darkness - I would not recognize just how marvelous the light was when it broke through and just how sweet the melody rang in my ears when God invited to me to follow him.

So yes - I am still afraid. And I may fail at first, and I may fail again... but God is here. He is here in this moment. And it is with his strength and courage, that I will one day testify to his goodness and all the things that happen while in this place.