The Valley

It is one in the morning, and I can't sleep.

I am so incredibly tired, but my mind and heart are keeping me awake. I can't seem to rest -- I can't seem to feel peace or joy or any of those things that people way more spiritual than I am say I should be feeling. Instead, I only feel incredibly tired… and lost. I am lost because I am at a place I never thought I would be in. I literally feel like I have no control over what is happening to me, and I am grieving the loss of so many things - my dreams and my hopes for the future…

You see, I had always imagined that following Jesus would be filled with blessings. And it is, don't get me wrong. But not a lot of people are willing to tell you about the suffering that comes along with it. No one really says that the road can get bumpy along the way before you sign up. There are whole pages of the New Testament where Jesus explicitly lays out these realities of suffering and pain tied to following him, but I must have skipped over those in my early years of knowing him.

But now… now I feel the pain.

I feel the uncertainty of not knowing if everything is going to work out in the end. I feel the fear and confusion that rises when I wonder if I was really cut out for all of this. I feel the emptiness that is caused when close relationships change, shift, or end. I feel the open wounds left by dreams and hopes that will never come to be. Every day I follow Jesus, one more piece of my former self is chipped away, and this process is incredibly painful...

…but it is worth it.

I am in a place of transition. I have graduated college, accepted a call to take part in Jesus' mission through InterVarsity Christian Fellowship, had to deal with my relationship of 2 1/2 years ending, and now I am facing this huge crevice of needing to fundraise and provide for my needs and sometimes it seems too wide to jump. And it is really hard. It is all happening at once. And there are nights, like tonight, where I cry out to God and beg him to pull me out of this mess. I beg him to fix it - to snap his gigantic fingers and make it all go away. I don't want this to happen - I never asked for this!

The pain doesn't go away, but in that moment of deep desperation and hopelessness, God never fails to whisper: "Don't give up. I am with you."

This time is difficult for a reason. I am starting to believe that it is in these moments of suffering, uncertainty, fear, confusion, pain, hopelessness, loss, and transition that God tucks us closer to his heart, like a hen nestles her chicks under her wings. I think it is because it is in moments like these that I truly see, feel, and experience my incredible need for God. I can't tackle the world on my own. I can't do the things he has called me to by myself. I can't fix broken relationships. I can't raise 50,000 dollars alone. I can't plant a new ministry solo. Heck, I can't hold myself together through the first five minutes of Finding Nemo!

But Jesus… he can.

I am learning to trust. I am learning to have faith… not just in God… but in the belief that in the darkest hour - in the place where I fear if I am going to make it, jump that crevice, heal from this broken heart, start something new - that God WILL be with me. And he will bring me through it. ABUNDANTLY.

Thanks be to God for the pain I feel now. Thanks be to God for the ways he is shaping me through suffering. Thanks be to God for the valley I am walking in. And thanks be to God that even in this sleepless night, he will never leave me.