Anyone thats know me well, and maybe even not that well, knows that I have serious issues with being alone. I am always surrounded by people, and if I can't find people, I will text, message, or call anyone I can think of to fill the silence that solitude so often brings. There is nothing that scares me quite like the prospect of an entire day of aloneness and quietness - that is why they rarely happen for me.I haven't been feeling well today, and as a result, I ended up all day in bed completely alone. I tried everything I could to fill the void - I read a book and started another book... I stalked everyone I knew online and dreamed of the day we would get to talk again. I texted a million people. I ached for company. I ran as far away from the silence as I could. At some point in my despair, I sensed God's presence. And in that moment, I tried even farther to run away from the silence.
Thankfully, the presence of God outruns any attempt I make at escaping Him.
We have been on shaky terms recently, Him and I. I haven't been entirely sure of what was causing this, and because I resent criticism, I wasn't exactly eager to find out why. After fighting the urge to speak to God for an hour, I finally gave up.
This has been one of the most difficult years of my life. I can't count how many times I have written that sentence on this blog. I am not trying to pity myself because despite the challenges, this year has been filled with immense joy, celebration and victory. I have discovered myself in such new ways - tried so many new things - I was given so many incredible gifts. God has been really good to me this year as He is every year. But in spite of these things, I have also, unknowingly or perhaps knowingly, developed a fear of God and His sovereignty.
Tonight, God asked me why I no longer trusted Him. Because I finally realized in the silence, that I don't, even though I have every reason to trust Him.
After receiving a degree that increased my chances of being financially successful and independent, I was instead called into a vocational ministry that required me to raise support in spite of having no other income to provide for myself. God has and continues to provide generously for this. I should trust Him.
After I exited a long-term relationship with a person that I loved and cared for, I was lost and confused and unsure about my worth. Through so many people and prayer, God continually assured me of His inconceivable love for me and as time went on, I can say I feel completely healed. I should trust Him.
Why is it that after all He has done for me, I still fear giving my entire life to Him?
I feared the silence today because I was afraid of what He had to say. I realized that I think, as so many people do, that I can provide better outcomes for my endeavors than He can. I realized that at the deepest core of myself, I still fear that He doesn't want good things for me, but wants me to earn my way into His good favor. I was afraid that He would reprimand me for all that times I have failed Him this year. Instead, I found a Good Father waiting for me with open arms.
It is in my humanness that I am most desperate for God, and it is in my humanness that I am most loved by Him. I am constantly amazed that despite all the times I have run away from Him, sinned against Him, failed to give my entire life to Him - He remains closer than my own self. His grace is still so deep and wide and vast, and I fall right into every time. The Cross made a way for me into the heart of God where I find peace and life abundant.
I will probably run away from God again. I will probably fear trusting Him again. But like a gentle lover, He pursues me tenderly and with kindness and doesn't even wait for me to come back to Him - He finds me. I can trust Him. I can trust Him with everything.
It is in trusting God that we are empowered and strengthened to make the reckless bounds of faith. It is in trusting God that we find our truest selves - every inch of us celebrated and valued. It is in trusting God that we can settle into the silence and the quiet and find a love that has been waiting for us - a love that doesn't fail, even when we do.
