ONS 2013 // Healing Pt. 2

How many of us harbor pain deep within us? How often have words - even those left unspoken - etched away at our inward beings? How often have the sounds of heavy chains clinking away at our sides clouded our ability to hear? Or hot tears caused by rejection, confusion, loneliness clouded our ability to see?

How many of us long for the everlasting satisfaction of the Good Father, yet are too ashamed to believe it could ever belong to us?

~

InterVarsity's Orientation for New Staff (ONS) was the place where after years of running, God caught up with me. I finally realized that there was no where I could run, no where I could hide that the grace and love and peace of my Father could not find me. Sometimes it comes in unexpected places.

One of the most incredible and healing parts of my ONS experience came through my family group. After receiving prayer ministry during the second night, I returned to my family group still clenching the tissues saturated with my tears. Though it was difficult to express what I had been feeling over the years to a group of complete strangers, I could no longer hold the baggage that had been weighing me down - I needed someone else to help me carry the load. I can never express the healing that comes when others cry with you - when others are not afraid to feel your pain. As they held me and prayed over me, I felt Jesus speak to my heart: "This is the kind of love I have for you."

My ONS 2013 Family Group - pray for their ministry!

To my family group - I cannot thank God enough for the prayers and tears you brought before God on my behalf. Through your love and acceptance, I have tasted the goodness of God.

A vision of renewal: 

During my time at ONS, a prayer minister saw a vision of me standing before a white, blank wall. She said that evil was telling me that the wall was empty - that nothing would ever fill its spaces. In my mind, I envisioned the wall reaching from one end of the room to the other… all things had been removed from it - my relationship, my financial security, and even my belief that God was a good father.

Then she asked Jesus to reveal to me what he had to say about the wall. As I searched the room from some sign of him, some whisper of his voice - and as I did, I saw the wall transform. The wall was white no longer - it was sprayed with vivid, bright colors creating a carefully crafted, stunning mosaic of abstract design - it was all together beautiful.

I smiled as I whispered: "I don't know what Jesus has to say, but I do know that one day the wall will be filled with color. There will be no white space left."

Amen.

My friends, Christ has started in me a new thing. I am in a place of transition, change, and difficulty because God is asking me to believe in him - to believe he can provide, to believe he is good, to believe he has more for me. He began this work at ONS 2013 because if I do not believe these things to be true of God, then how can I tell students about his love for them? It is through these experiences that God continues to equip and grow us - sometimes it doesn't come in the form of practical information or training - sometimes it comes through prayer and true friendship.

Sometimes that empty wall that is suffocating us is only a new beginning - a new canvas for God to create a masterpiece that we could never imagine on our own. Sometimes we need to be stripped in order to know that what God has for us is truly more than anything we could achieve for ourselves. And sometimes, all that Jesus really wants... is to wrap us in his arms as he whispers words of love and adoration. Sometimes our cup really does overflow.

ONS 2013 // Healing Pt. 1

ONS Class 2013 // 130+ new staff equipped for campus ministry!

For those of you that managed to escape my media bombardment of photos and stories from my recent adventures, let me tell you with joy that I have been in Madison, Wisconsin for a 10-day training for InterVarsity's Orientation for New Staff (ONS).  Many InterVarsity staff workers before me have explained with reminiscent smiles that ONS is one of the most fun, challenging, and empowering events they have been through. You can imagine with all of that build up, I have been looking forward to ONS since the day I found out of I was called to InterVarsity - and friends, praise God for his faithfulness, for it has not let me down!

An unexpected gift: 

I could spend the next paragraphs detailing all the incredible ways ONS has trained me and equipped me to do ministry on college campuses. I could joyously expound on the stories of new IV staff going out into the city, sharing the Gospel, and seeing 31 new souls come to faith through this experience. I could vividly recount all the ways that God helped me imagine all the incredible work he could at Georgia Tech this upcoming fall - but for right now at least I am going to take a different direction. 

Tonight, I am just going to humbly whisper to you all that during ONS 2013, God began to heal me. This is something I did not anticipate or even desire to happen during my time in Wisconsin because I believed God had more important things to do in me. It seems that despite all of the good training, manuscript Bible studies, and worship, God wanted to do something far more simple and foundational - he wanted to tell me he loved me. He wanted to place his hand over the gaping holes in my spirit and let his touch heal even my most broken places. 

For years I have been a running woman. I have been running from everything - from others, from myself, and from God. I didn't really know why I have been running, why I have been afraid of the silence - afraid of the truth - afraid to be left alone... I just knew if I kept focusing my efforts on doing good works and putting on a good show, then I wouldn't have to feel the pain that had lodged itself deep into my chest. A pain from years of harsh words thrown my way - a wound festering from people I loved telling me I wasn't good enough. It was so real that I thought love was something I had to work for, something I had to measure up to - and yet my whole life, I have been failing to achieve it. This reality was only confirmed for me when my relationship of 2 1/2 years ended. It was just more proof that I wasn't worth loving... I was just too messed up... I wasn't trying hard enough. I confess this to you because for the past three years I have been constantly running to keep myself from feeling that pain. 

Apparently ONS was the place in my life when my spiritual feet completely gave out and with arms raised in surrender I finally confessed to everyone: "I just can't run anymore." 

Maybe it was that Wisconsin water, but something inside of me broke during the second night. Halfway through the session I began weeping, and after it was over I walked over to one of my spiritual mentors and asked for prayer. This amazing woman took me through half an hour of grueling and difficult prayer as she implored Jesus to take me to the center of my pain. I didn't want to go there. It was clear by how my body and spirit reacted - shame and hard memories and sadness fell over me until at last she asked Jesus, "What do you want to say to Emmie?" And like light breaking through years of darkness, I heard the words in the deepest parts of me echo over the pain and sorrow: "I was your Father before I even made you, and even then I loved you." 

I don't know what I expected when I asked for prayer, maybe an exhortation to keep my head up - it will all be okay - but what I received was so much more. That yearning in my chest these past years? It wasn't just pain, it was the part of me that longed to be connected to my Father - to live nestled under the shelter of his wings - to rest peacefully in knowing: "Emmie, you don't have to strive anymore. You need not work for my love - you could never earn it anyway. No, I lavish my love on you constantly because you are mine. I cherished you even before you existed - what makes you think anything you do could make me love you less?"

These are words I have read and heard from others, but never really believed.... until then.