Falling in Love

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful,  I know that full well."
Psalm 139:14

In one beautiful moment, I crossed the mind of God.

He imagined me - my tangly brown hair, my tiny eyebrows, my green eyes, my full lips, my chipped tooth.

And He saw me - He saw Harry Potter in my hand, Jane Austen on the table, Lord of the Rings on the television. He saw purple and orange and yellow and everything bright splashed all over the walls. He saw yarn and fabric and glue and glitter and thread littered over the floor. He saw flour all over the cabinets and dishes in the sink because the mess has always been part of the fun. He saw a cup of hot coffee, penguin slippers, and the old blankie I still can't sleep without.

And He heard me... how my voice becomes louder the more excited I get, and how I yell when I feel unheard. He listened to every tear I cried and every laugh that rang out of my mouth even when it was unnecessary. He heard me try, and fail, and try again, to speak in a dozen different languages. He heard me sing, even when I did so horribly….  in the car, in the shower, in the backyard, in my room... basically everywhere I went. He heard all of views and opinions and crazy ideas - all the things I believed in with my whole heart.

And He felt me - my passion that threatens to implode my being if I don't release it occasionally. He felt the emotions that reach so deep within me… all the things I have felt for the noblest reasons and even for no reason at all. He felt my yearning and my longing for adventure - my desire to have my life matter. He felt my dreams, He sensed my hope to touch every corner of the world… to try every food… to always dance when invited to... to meet no stranger. He felt the love I have for creation, the way the air and the sea and the trees and the mountains breathe life into me. He felt me light up when I enter a new culture or explore a place I've never been. He felt my want to know and be loved by people, and to know and to love people.

And He loved me.

For one beautiful moment, I crossed the mind of God. And He saw, heard, and felt every childish, precious, ridiculous, crazy, wonderful thing about me. And He thought: You know what? I think I am going to make her. I think the earth could use a little bit of Emmie.

Smiling, He fashioned me into this very likeness.

And He didn't change a thing.

I Want This Place

Maybe it is time I was a little more honest:

My ministry partner, Morgan, and I recently drove to Georgia Tech for a meeting. Because we have been in the process of raising a support network that can partner with us to provide the financial and prayerful needs to begin this ministry, we have been unable to spend much time on campus this summer. It was the first time Morgan and I had been there in months, and as we drove past the campus buildings, I couldn't help but feel my heart shatter into a million pieces.

I want this place.

Almost a year ago, when our supervisor Nick has sat Morgan and I down during our application process to discuss strategic possibilities for our first steps as staff, he mentioned planting a multi-ethnic ministry at Georgia Tech as a viable option. I remember feeling my heart catch - I didn't want to let it on, but I was the idea of going to Georgia Tech was absurd to me. I had so many fears… my mind raced: "I mean these students are geniuses! Surely with their intelligence they could see right through me… It might be hard to reach out to a bunch of engineers, I mean I don't know the first thing about engineering! How could I share the Gospel to an engineer?" So many fears and prejudices and incorrect assumptions plagued me. It felt like it would be easier to go to a much smaller and much less affluent institution… maybe that would be a better option for my first year on staff.

It is truly amazing how God can completely overwhelm your sense of comfort and even your sense of desire. For many months, I wrestled with the realization that I really wanted to be an InterVarsity staff worker, but I wasn't necessarily wanting to do that staff work at Georgia Tech… so much has changed in that time. I have walked the streets of this campus, chatted with students, ate lunch in the cafeterias, marveled at the building names - and I have completely fallen in love. It almost feels like a romance novel, the one that I resented and pushed away for so long ended up being the exact one I needed all along.

I want this place.

I want the students - I want them to know about Jesus, and I want to be the one to tell them. I want them to find a true and lasting purpose for their degrees, careers, and skills, and I want them to go on and change the world! I want to see new life brought to campus, and I want to labor with Jesus in the broken areas. I want to send students to build witnessing communities that reach out to other communities… I want my students to come over to my place for movie nights, I want to drive them to get groceries before large group meetings, I want to watch them take risks, I want to see them take important steps in their faith, I want to bring them to Urbana, and I want to see them become leaders that follow Jesus for their whole lives…

I dream of this. It's all I can think about. It's what I want to dedicate my life to. It was through the InterVarsity movement that I began to follow Jesus, and it was through his sovereign mystery that he continued to beckon me onward - straight into the place where my deep passion and the world's deep hunger meet - and that place is Georgia Tech.

I want this place.

But I can't be there yet. This is where my heart breaks - the students are moving in. Classes begin Monday. And we are still preparing to begin the work. I want to be there so badly… I wanted to be that exceptional case that managed to raise everything needed (and then some) so quickly that we would still have time leftover to plan some amazing New Student Outreach events. However, our ministry partnership development journeys have been different - and it is taking longer than we hoped for. Jesus remains sovereign, and we continue to trust him and have faith from him and learn how to take risks from him. It hasn't been easy, and so much work is before us… but we will praise God in plenty and in emptiness. And he will provide.

I cannot thank God enough for his mysterious manner of working in my life. And I cannot even begin to fathom all of the incredible things he is doing and is going to do at Georgia Tech in the next years - if there wasn't a harvest to be had at Georgia Tech, we wouldn't be here. Friends, join in with us in reaping the harvest to be had at Georgia Tech - I invite you dream alongside us. I want you to want this place  - I hope you will envision this campus reflecting the Kingdom of God! Over 20000 students and 900 faculty live and breathe and work on this campus, and that is 21900 souls that are fashioned in the likeness of God, deeply loved and uniquely designed to be intelligent, entrepreneurs, explorers of truth and inventors of efficiency  - just imagine the impact they could have on the world!

Georgia Tech, the students, faculty, and the entire campus belong to God - every inch.

He wants this place.

Light Slowly Breaking Through Clouds

I love reading the Psalms. They are so authentic - so true to the human experience. They are songs and poems and letters carving out human frustrations, fears, sorrows, guilt, laments, anger, jealousy and also hope, faith, joy, victory, exuberance. They encompass the cries of the soul, and by reading these words - I then have the confidence to express my sentiments in their genuine form before the Living God.

And I love reading about Jesus. He is so authentic - he has truly lived the human experience. He understands loneliness, rejection, heartache, tiredness, overwhelmedness and pain and he has also known unconditional love, laughter, peace, friendship, and triumph. It is because of Jesus - my brother and Lord - that I am given access to the freedom of being my real self with God the Father.

This has been the most difficult season of my life. The past three-four months have stretched me, challenged me, hurt me, enraged me, and have caused resounding fear - a fear and a sense of anxiety that I cannot shake. I have cried myself to sleep because so many mountains seem too impossible to climb, so many words seem to cut too deep heal, so many realities of my own weaknesses seem to oppressive to overcome. It has been incredibly difficult, and many times it has felt hopeless - if you have read any of my past entries, hopelessness is a common theme.

I feel like I am in the middle of Psalm - something that might go like "my tears are my food" and "nightly I cry out to You in my anguish."

All this suffering has me wondering who God really is. It has me questioning where He is in this pain. I wonder if He will save me - if He can provide - I wonder if He can overcome my weakness and make a way to freedom even though the chains are so tightly wrapped around my arms and neck. I sometimes go from wondering if He can do these things to if He will do them… or even wants to do them. This road of suffering is also a road leading straight to the heart of God - everyday my emotional and spiritual turmoil has me on my knees, begging God to reveal Himself. I want to comprehend You, God - I want to really know You. It's really the most authentic and honest I have ever been before God, and it is beautiful.

And all this suffering also has me wondering who I am. The emptiness and hollowness that this pain and fear has caused has allowed for more space - more space for God to enter in and awaken the woman that has remained hidden for so many years. He has been calling me forth, asking me to feel what I am really feeling and to be vulnerable before Him. Truly this Immanuel, this God with me,  has invited me to accept, to love, and to cherish the woman He designed in love even before I was conceived. I am discovering my strength, my resilience, my creativity, and my desire to live adventurously as each hardship breaks down another piece of the facade-of-self I have so desperately clung to. Suffering is restoring to me the joy of my true self. And even though it is painful, it is also beautiful.

And each day as I traverse this Psalm of lament and suffering, another line breaks through: "How precious is Your steadfast love, O God!" "I will bless the Lord at all times, His praise shall continually be in my mouth."

"You have turned my mourning into dancing!"