A Song of Self

Why do I feel the need to apologize for myself? Is this just a common trait among women? Is not society always asking something else of us as women everyday, and isn't it true we often times feel obligated to make excuses and beg forgiveness for not measuring up or meeting those expectations? Sure. This is probably true for a lot of women. At the same time, I think I have a particularly unique struggle with it.... 24 years old and the struggle to "settle in" and make a home in myself is still quite difficult. 

As I grow older and closer to Jesus and his community in the Church, the more painful and real this struggle becomes. I believe it is because this quality and reality-of-self is exposed for what it is in the Divine Light that illuminates a higher reality: "You are enough. You are lovely. You are crafted in creative, loving and intricate detail to be exactly who you are." It seems ugly things are so much more ugly in the light than they are in the dark.

And so I timidly try to hide my insecurity and disdain of myself from the piercing eyes of the One that see me and know me fully. Instead of dragging my helpless self to this Throne Of Endless Grace, I avoid mirrors. I obsess over how my clothes fit. I exclaim in despair to my best friends: "Why is my hair so damn frizzy? Why do I have such a weak chin and horse teeth?"

But even deeper, I avoid myself. I spend hours reliving moments where I was a little "too much" of myself, if you know what I mean. I have never really fit into the crowds of this world... I'm loud and in-your-face and I stick out and sometimes I feel like my inner world is tuned into some other channel that no one else can get on their internal radio. (What a horrible analogy.... Haha)

And thus a lifetime of self-loathing and insecurity and uncertainty is made. 

I mean.... I'm comfortable in this way of living these days. It's what I am used to. However, as I alluded to earlier, as comfortable as it is to apologize to the world for who I am - this is unacceptable in the Kingdom of the God I Love. When I am before him, this seemingly comfortable reality-of-self is revealed for what it truly is.... an evil and prideful blatant disregard for the unabashedly beautiful, creative work of God. Beneath the twisted, ugly mask of self-hate is a beloved and beautiful  woman, crafted in tenderness to reflect the loveliness of God. 

It doesn't sink in easily... It doesn't hit me fully all that often... But if God and his promises and his words are true, then placed inside of me is a unique mosaic of characteristics of God that he decided to share with the world. 

Could it be... Could it really be that maybe my loud, energetic and passionate spirit in some way reflect the personality of God? Could my curious and inquisitive nature be an intentional trait placed within me to draw me closer to knowledge of Him rather than a burden that annoys people? And my dramatic and emotional and easily fascinated, child-like self that I have resented for years, could it actually not be too overwhelming for people, but rather a gift that brings joy and laughter and vulnerability to the Church and those placed in my life?

And beyond this even- could it be true that I am treasured and necessary and a part of this world simply because I was created, and loved, and given breath by a good and a beautiful God? 

And what would it mean if I refuse to believe this? If I just shrug and say, "Whatever. I'm the exception to this. Besides, it feels a lot better to live in this nice little den of insecurity built around me." 

I think after several catalytic interactions with the loving presence of Jesus, I realize that it would mean this: 

I am doing a grave injustice against myself. I am denying myself the most wonderful gift imaginable- the freedom and beauty of a life forever transformed by a Gospel that claims I am wholly loved and necessary to this world just as I am.

I am committing a grave injustice to God as well. I am saying he was mistaken in making me, and that his goodness and acceptance are wonderful, but not enough to cover me. And perhaps the most tragic of all, I am not allowing him to act out his greatest desire and will toward me- to know me fully, love me fully, that I may know him and love him in return. I simply cannot accept the love he offers completely if I can't accept I am made worth loving in the process. 

And finally, I am also doing a grave injustice to the world. Because I belong here... I carry a unique and beautiful reflection of God and his glory and his infinite goodness. If I refuse to step fully into who I am, I am denying the world a chance to encounter aspects of God mysteriously tucked away within my human flesh. 

I think I am realizing more and more that God is not a supporter of self-hate like our society has forced us to believe is part of being human. He is our biggest advocate- our greatest Friend, and I believe he is dazzled by our beauty and our uniqueness because we look like Him. And you know what else? I wonder what the world would look like if we all believed what God says is true of us... Man, how beautiful the world would be if we lived in the acceptance and the freedom of not having to change our personalities or our bodies past recognition in order to feel the acceptance of self that is already freely given to us by Divine Privilege. What if we looked in the mirror and saw what he saw? And what if we looked within, and instead of finding a broken heart carrying all the baggage packed with things we despise about ourselves, we instead saw the reality: tucked within us is a piece of God himself- beautifully... wonderfully made. 

I don't know where I am going with this... Because I still have a real struggle in this. But I guess where I am at during this moment as my plane descends into Atlanta is here - asking this question: 

What does it mean to be unapologetically, completely and authentically myself? What does it mean for us to all live in the belovedness and acceptance of the God who redeemed us? What if we praised our loveliness, our uniqueness, our quirky traits and our delightful physical imperfections that make us fully human, children of the Righteous King, through whom no mistake was made? 

And what could it mean for the world?